IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

In some countries, an increasing number of people are suffering from health problems as a result of eating too much fast food. It is, therefore, necessary for governments to impose higher taxes on this kind of food. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

#countries #people #health #food #governments #taxes
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Nowadays, the number of
people
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 suffering from
health
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 problems is rising in many countries.
This
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 happened because
people
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 ate too much junk
food
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. It causes some
people
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 to think that the
government
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 should pass a law to increase the tax on
this
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 kind of
food
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. Personally speaking, I think the
government
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 should find other ways to solve
this
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 problem,
such
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 as by providing sports facilities and giving citizens information about their
health
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. Certainly, imposing a higher tax on fast
food
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 should reduce the number of
people
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 with bad
health
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.
This
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 is a direct way to deal with the problem, but it is not an effective way because some
people
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 still have enough money to buy whatever they want to eat, including burgers, nuggets, french fries, etc., so they don’t really care about higher taxes or their
health
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.
According to
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 me, I think the
government
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 should provide more sports facilities and gyms in different areas.
This
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 could encourage
people
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 to exercise.
Moreover
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, the
government
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 should cooperate with schools and private sections to educate students and citizens about
health
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, nutrition knowledge, and the right eating habits so that they can understand the importance of having good
health
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, know how to keep themselves fit
,
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apply
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 and avoid eating too much junk
food
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. In conclusion, some
people
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 believe that imposing a higher tax on fast
food
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 could reduce the number of
people
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 with
health
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 problems, which I disagree with and believe that the
government
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 should
instead
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 provide more sports facilities and
health
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 education to citizens rather than raising taxes.
Submitted by nnatthinee on

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Task Achievement
In your essay, you've presented a clear stance against raising taxes on fast food, favoring health education and access to sports facilities as alternative solutions. To enhance task achievement, consider including more specific examples or data to support your arguments. This could involve citing studies or statistics that demonstrate the ineffectiveness of tax increases on reducing fast food consumption, or examples where providing sports facilities or health education has successfully improved public health.
Coherence & Cohesion
You've done a good job organizing your essay with a logical structure and clear introductory and concluding paragraphs. To further improve coherence and cohesion, try to develop a stronger linking between paragraphs. For instance, transitional phrases that connect your points more explicitly could guide the reader through your arguments more smoothly.
Task Achievement
Your essay clearly articulates your position on the issue, providing a well-rounded argument against the imposition of higher taxes on fast food. This clarity of opinion aids in fulfilling the task's requirements effectively.
Coherence & Cohesion
Effective use of an introduction and conclusion that clearly state your viewpoint and summarize your argument. This structure is crucial for reader understanding and engagement.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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