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Band 5

These days, the number of people who suffer from serious illnesses due to obesity has increased. What are the causes? What are the solutions?

#people #illnesses #obesity
Many people have suffered from serious illnesses
due to
 obesity has increased around the world.
This
 is mainly because of less activity and poor diet. There are a few solutions which should be implemented to deal with people who are overweight.
Firstly
, there has been a significant
increased
Replace the word
increase
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suffering
Change preposition
in suffering
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 from severe health
which
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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condition
Fix the agreement mistake
conditions such
show examples
 as obesity.
In other words
, they tend to follow a poor diet and lack of activity
such
 as eating too much junk
food
 and sitting in front of the
tv
Correct your spelling
TV
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 for a long time, which
lead
Correct subject-verb agreement
leads
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 them
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 a poor lifestyle.
Secondly
, the advancement of technology and the prevalence of modern conveniences have led to a decrease in physical activity levels among the population. Concurrently, the ready availability and affordability of processed foods that are high in fats and sugars have contributed to imbalanced diets.
On the other hand
, to combat
this
 concerning trend, a collaborative approach is imperative to enhance awareness and promote healthier practices. Educational campaigns play a crucial role in underscoring the significance of regular exercise and
consumption
Correct article usage
the consumption
show examples
 of nutritious
food
. guidance on healthy eating.
Moreover
, governmental intervention is essential to establish environments that support healthier lifestyles. Enforcing regulations to limit the advertisement of unhealthy
food
 products, especially targeting children, and creating incentives for the
food
 industry to produce and promote healthier options are necessary steps.
Additionally
, urban planning strategies should prioritize the development of pedestrian-friendly
neighborhoods
Change the spelling
neighbourhoods
show examples
 and ensure access to green spaces.
To sum up
, obesity health issues need to be
approach
Wrong verb form
approached
show examples
 to tackle the root causes, by spreading the awareness of the public.
Submitted by s_syedy on

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Task Response
Ensure your introduction directly addresses the questions 'What are the causes? What are the solutions?' for clearer task response.
Coherence and Cohesion
Consider using clearer topic sentences to introduce each paragraph. This will help in further strengthening your essay's logical structure.
Task Achievement
Incorporate more specific examples or data to support your claims about causes and solutions of obesity. This will enhance the relevance and persuasiveness of your argument.
Coherence and Cohesion
You have established a clear connection between the causes of obesity and its solutions, creating a coherent argument.
Task Achievement
Good job on covering both the causes and solutions to the issue of obesity in a structured manner.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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