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Writing Samples
Band 6

Some teachers think that international students exchange would be beneficial for all teenage school students. Do you think its advantages outweigh disadvantages?

#teachers #students #exchange #school
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A group of teachers believe that exchanging international scholars would be advantageous for all school teenagers. I think
this
 is not a positive development because
in
Add the comma(s)
, in
show examples
 that sensitive years, a young student might face a large number of difficulties.
To begin
 with, having an opportunity to study abroad is not a beneficial point for teenagers , owing to, their sensitive age. In
this
 period learners need support from their families because they are dependent on their parents and being far away may cause some psychological problems
such
 as depression.
As a result
, it will destroy the young future lives,
in addition
, being in new cultures might have some cultural shocks and adaptation to new behaviours places extra weight on students' minds so they cannot focus completely on their responsibilities ,
thus
, their scores will decrease.
For example
, a student living in his/her home town has every kind of accessibilities they need and can go through any situation,
although
, for those living abroad is an extra challenge to overcome simple tasks because all their duties depend on themselves.
Moreover
, a case study compared the total scores of two different schools and the national one grades
was
Change the verb form
were
show examples
 40% higher,
whereas
, the other one average number was 10% lower.
On the other hand
, moving abroad for students can have some positive opportunities that are beneficial for their personality,
for instance
, an open-minded view and a more mature character.
However
, in those early ages, it can be difficult to deal with those challenges,
also
, that individual can go overseas when grows up enough and is ready for hardships. In conclusion, moving abroad for students is a challenge for the teenagehood. In my view, the negative aspects of
this
 chance are more than the benefits,
furthermore
, scholars can study in international positions when they finish primary school.
Submitted by soroushnorouzi0478 on

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development of ideas
Try to develop your main points more fully with detailed examples and explanations. This will help to make your argument stronger and more convincing.
coherence
Be careful with the use of linking words and phrases to ensure the smooth flow of ideas. This helps in maintaining a logical structure throughout the essay.
language accuracy
Work on grammar and punctuation to avoid small inaccuracies that could distract from the clarity of your message.
engagement with topic
Your essay provides a clear viewpoint, engaging with the question of whether the advantages of international student exchanges outweigh the disadvantages.
essay structure
You've structured your essay well with an introduction, development of your main points, and a conclusion, which aids in your coherence and cohesion.
balanced argument
Including both sides of the argument before concluding enhances the comprehensiveness of your response.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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