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Writing Samples
Band 6

Childhood obesity is a serious problem in many countries. What are the causes of this, and how can the problem be managed?

#childhood #obesity #countries
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The rate of obese
children
 is alarming, being a big problem in many parts of the world. My essay will point out a number of reasons for
this
 issue and several solutions. There are two main reasons why
children
 are obese. One of the main reasons is that
children
 lack the time to participate in physical activities. Nowadays, kids often experience stress
due to
 the pressure of a busy school day and
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 large amount of homework they have to deal with,
not to mention
 extra classes in the evening.
As a result
, they do not have enough time to work out and have a sedentary lifestyle, so they are more vulnerable to diseases like obesity.
Furthermore
, the poor diet is
due to
 parental indulgence. Their family tries to satisfy their
children
’s demands, including having fast
food
 as their main course.
This
 kind of
food
 contains low
fiber
Change the spelling
fibre
show examples
 but high calories, which leads to
higher
Add an article
a higher
show examples
 risk of being obese among
children
. There are several ways to prevent our
children
 from obesity.
Firstly
, educators and parents should not focus on academic performance but
instead
 encourage their students to build up their physical health. Adults should reduce the length of the school day and extra classes and allow their kids to have more time to take care of themselves. What’s more, governments should organize health education meetings for parents to develop their knowledge and enhance their health awareness.
Therefore
, they can realize the harmful effects of fast
food
 and the daily diet
also
 plays an important role
to prevent
Change preposition
in preventing
show examples
 their child from obesity. In conclusion, the problem of
children
 being obese is related to pressure from studies and unhealthy diets, and it can be ironed out by cutting back on study hours and encouraging them to have healthy
food
.
Submitted by phuongdungnurse on

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Task Response
You have effectively addressed the prompt by outlining the causes and suggesting ways to manage childhood obesity. For an even stronger response, aim to deepen the analysis of each point with more nuanced insights or wider-ranging implications.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your essay demonstrates a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. To improve, consider varying your sentence structures more and using a wider range of linking devices to enhance the flow between ideas.
Introduction
Your introduction effectively sets up the essay topic and structure, providing a clear indication of what follows.
Supported Main Points
Your use of specific examples, such as the impact of a busy school day and parental indulgence in diet choices, effectively supports your main points and makes your arguments more convincing.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Dietary habits
  • Sedentary lifestyle
  • Processed foods
  • Socioeconomic status
  • Nutritional education
  • Obesity epidemic
  • Preventative measures
  • Health policies
  • Urban planning
  • Caloric intake
  • Metabolic health
  • Screen time
  • Physical activity
  • Junk food
  • Food desert
  • Body mass index (BMI)
  • Portion control
  • Mindful eating
  • Lifestyle diseases
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