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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Nowadays celebrities are more famous for their glamour and wealth than for their achievements, and this is a bad example for adolescents. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#celebrities #glamour #wealth #achievements #adolescents
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It is true that, in today’s world, famous
people
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 are more renowned for their luxurious lifestyle and allure than their attainments. Some
people
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 think that these
celebrities
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 are influenced negatively by the young generations. I agree with
this
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 observation,
however
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, there are
celebrities
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 presented as a good role model for children. There are good reasons to say that high-recognition
people
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 exert potential harm to adolescents’s way of thinking. Chief of these is that
celebrities
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 always post their fancy house, luxury watches, or expensive purses on social media
instead
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 of their outstanding achievements. Their talent might be standard or below the average but they still have a miracle life with money and cars. These
people
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 are making a sensation to the public that even if they do not have an excellent academic background, they still have everything from their rich partners or parents with privileged backgrounds. A hot
Tiktoker
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TikTok
,
for example
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, had raised a trend on TikTok that women do not have to work hard or study hard, just marry a rich man so all the mansions, gold, and cars are all yours. It is certainly the
behavior
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behaviour
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 that would be a negative influence on young
people
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 as it teaches them to live on others' achievements.
However
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, some famous
people
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 are popular for their incredible acts and outstanding performances. These
people
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 have shown the world that they reached their success through hard work, work ethic, and determination, and the public always recognizes them for their great attainments. One of the examples would be a famous businessman in VietNam Pham Nhat Vuong, he was born and raised in an unwealthy family in a poverty area in VietNam. Despite his unfortunate background, he studied hard and pursued his career without his family’s support and became one the richest
people
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 in VietNam. He is, now, a role model for many Vietnamese
people
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 to become successful at zero. In conclusion, there is no doubt that
celebrities
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 are well known for their wealth and hedonistic lifestyle,
instead
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 of their achievements and it would be a negative example for younger generations. To a certain point, I would disagree opinion, since other famous
people
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 are talented and have great performances. I think the public should be more selective in choosing their role models.
Submitted by nttung.182 on

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Detail Enhancement
Your essay effectively addresses the topic and provides relevant examples to support your arguments. However, consider expanding your examples with more detail to enrich the argumentation.
Cohesion Improvement
To improve coherence, try to ensure each paragraph flows smoothly into the next. Transitional phrases can help link ideas more clearly.
Grammar & Punctuation
Watch for occasional grammar and punctuation errors that can detract from the reader's understanding. Regular practice and proofreading can help minimize these.
Introduction & Conclusion
You have a clear thesis statement and a summarized conclusion that reflects your agreement with the topic effectively.
Structure
Your essay demonstrates good logical structure, with clearly defined paragraphs for each main point.
Relevant Examples
The use of specific examples, such as the TikToker and Pham Nhat Vuong, strengthens your argument and makes your essay more persuasive.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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