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Band 5

Some people think that students benefit greatly from going to private secondary schools, but others assert that private secondary schools have a negative impact on the young generation and the society alike. Discuss both views.

#people #students #benefit #schools #impact #generation #society
Some individuals believe that
scolars
Correct your spelling
scholars
 are going to have great advantages by attending private secondary
schools
,
however
Add the comma(s)
however,
show examples
 other people think that private institutions have a negative influence on
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
young adolescents and
society
.
While
 some citizens believe that
students
 are going to
be
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
benefit
by
Change preposition
from
show examples
 attending a private school, I believe private institutions will have a negative impact on young adults because
society
 does not work with
priviliges
Correct your spelling
privileges
 and
students
 need to learn how to follow instructions to fit well in
society
. On the one hand,
students
 who attend private
schools
 are taught to feel special and different
of
Change preposition
from
show examples
 the
rest
 of the
world
, so they believe they deserve special
priviliges
Correct your spelling
privileges
 in
society
.
Firstly
, growing up under the
believe
Replace the word
belief
show examples
 they are special,
this
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
might bring negative experiences in the real
world
 for them because the vast majority of
society
 does not believe
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 special treatment for
few
Correct article usage
a few
show examples
 people. Another thing is that most of these
students
 who attend private
schools
,
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
believe they are much better than those who attend public
schools
, so they tend to work in
isolate
Replace the word
isolated
show examples
environment
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environments
show examples
.
For instance
, all over the
world
,
gradutaes
Correct your spelling
graduates
graduated
 from private
schools
are usually not hire
Change the verb form
are usually not hired
show examples
 by huge companies because they tend to have several
comflicts
Correct your spelling
conflicts
 with the
rest
 of
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 co-workers by
beliving
Correct your spelling
believing
show examples
 they deserve
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
better treatment.
However
, I disagree with these thoughts because everyone
deserve
Change the verb form
deserves
show examples
 to be treated equally and with respect.
On the other hand
, private
schools
 are going to bring drawbacks to
students
 because they
belive
Correct your spelling
believe
show examples
society
need
Correct subject-verb agreement
needs
show examples
 to
resoect
Correct your spelling
respect
 them for having a private education.
Firstly
,
society
 does not follow private educational statements and everyone needs to prove they are functional in
society
. When
students
 face the real
world
, they usually do not fit in
society
 because they
spect
Verb problem
expect
show examples
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
special treatment. Another thing is that these
type
Fix the agreement mistake
types
show examples
 of
students
 are not
accostum
Correct your spelling
accustom
 to
follow
Wrong verb form
following
show examples
instruction
Fix the agreement mistake
instructions
show examples
 because they believe they are much better than the
rest
if
Correct your spelling
of
show examples
society
, so they are rejected by the
rest
 of the
world
. To
Submitted by cuevas14dic on

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Task Achievement
Your essay introduces a clear stance on the argument, which is commendable. However, to enhance your score, I recommend expanding the discussion to more thoroughly explore both views before concluding. This will ensure a more balanced and comprehensive task response.
Coherence and Cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, consider linking your ideas more clearly between paragraphs. This can be achieved through more effective use of linking phrases and topic sentences that directly relate to the main argument of each paragraph.
Task Achievement
Adding more specific examples or evidence to support your points could significantly benefit your argument. While you've touched on this with references to societal perceptions and employment challenges for private school graduates, more detailed examples or statistics could make your points more persuasive.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your essay has a clear structure, with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which aids in reader understanding.
Task Achievement
Your essay presents a clear stance and maintains it throughout, contributing positively to task achievement.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Personalized attention
  • Academic opportunities
  • College admission
  • Scholarship opportunities
  • Social inequality
  • Socioeconomic background
  • Social cohesion
  • Elitism
  • Entitlement
  • Educational standards
  • Teacher-student ratio
  • Public schools
  • Diversity
  • Inclusivity
  • Segregation
What to do next:
Look at other essays: