Some say that because many people are living much longer, the age at which people retire from work should be raised considerably. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
First of all, it is an indisputable fact that physical and mental abilities diminish with
age
. According to
the National News, in 2020, more than 40% of the reported heart attacks occurred in workplaces, among those above the age
of 50. Having decayed the immune system after the age
of 60, exposition to additional job pressure or stress will prone this
group to various ailments like high blood pressure as well as
depression. Additionally
, implementing this
measure would be followed by a climb in the unemployment rate for the young generation.
Yet, perhaps the strongest argument in favour of this
issue is that humans are entitled to pursue their unfulfilled dreams after retiring. Whereas
, regulating such
strict rules relating to an increase in the retirement age
might deter them from fulfilling their goals because of losing the golden time for gaining required qualifications. Admittedly, having prolonged the working age
, losing interest and disinclination toward working hard is likely to occur in the foreseeable future.
By way of conclusion, I once again reaffirm my position that rather than abusing the extended life expectancy, which is an appreciable medical accomplishment, regarding it as a valuable opportunity for the improvement of the elders is likely to be more ethical and moral.Submitted by golriiz23 on
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Task Achievement
Keep an eye on ensuring a balanced discussion on both sides of the argument, especially when discussing a ‘to what extent do you agree or disagree’ topic to demonstrate comprehensive insight.
Coherence & Cohesion
Try to introduce a wider range of linking phrases to improve the flow of your essay and to better connect your ideas.
Task Achievement
While specific examples are valuable, ensure they are directly connected to your main points and clearly demonstrate your argument.
Coherence & Cohesion
You’ve structured your essay well with a clear introduction, well-developed body paragraphs, and a concise conclusion, which contributes significantly to the coherence and cohesion of your work.
Task Achievement
You provided relevant examples and evidence to support your points, which strengthens your essay's argument.
Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
Linking words are very important in your essay.
To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.
Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.
In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.
Linking word examples:
- firstly
- secondly
- thirdly
- in additional
- moreover
- also
- for example
- for instance
- therefore
- however
- although
- even though
- despite