IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7

Nowadays, men plays an essential role in earning the major finance in their family. What extent do you agree or disagree?

#men #role #finance
It is true that money is always important to people. Today, the main economy is played a crucial factor in the family by the men. I strongly agree with
this
 argument. In
this
 essay, both of these matters will be revealed, before jumping to the final conclusion. First and foremost, physical strength is one of the unavoidable points related to masculinity. Because of
this
, they usually have a lot of opportunities compared to women in order to implement difficult and heavy
work
.
Moreover
, dangerous environments not only require physical advantage, but they
also
 require workers under pressure perfectly.
For example
, the percentage of males working at constructs is higher than that of
females
, so unavoidably males sometimes
plays
Correct subject-verb agreement
play
show examples
 an important role in the family.
As a result
, the male is more advantageous than women.
On the other hand
, some people claim that the role of
females
 in family and society is
also
 less compared to that of males.
This
 is because they have to take care of the children fully and
also
 nurture them with good behaviours and values.
In addition
,
while
 the
females
also
 can participate in temporary
work
 to earn more income for their family, they have to do workhouses to maintain their home cleanly so it is impossible to admit that the male is always important in the family.
For instance
, over 90% of
females
 felt disappointment in
work
due to
 the amount of
work
 they do every day even if they don’t have any time to make up.
To sum up
, there is still much less strong evidence showing that the male plays an important role in earning the money in their family. In my view, the male usually has more responsibility than the female in earning finances in the family, so they have to be the main person in the family.
Submitted by phuocsang4567 on

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Coherence & Cohesion
Ensure that both sides of the argument are clearly presented and equally balanced, as the essay tends to focus more on supporting the role of men in earning for the family.
Coherence & Cohesion
To enhance clarity, work on organizing ideas more logically and include clearer topic sentences for each paragraph.
Task Achievement
Integrate more specific examples and evidence to strengthen your argument and provide a clearer demonstration of your points.
Task Achievement
Work on refining the introduction and conclusion to more clearly state your position and summarize the key points of the essay.
Task Achievement
Your essay acknowledges different perspectives on the role of genders in financial responsibilities within the family, which demonstrates a good understanding of the topic.
Coherence & Cohesion
The structure of the essay, with distinct introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion, aids in making the argument more comprehensible.
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