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Band 7

Some people think that people should choose their job based on income in order to provide security for their family. Do you think money is an important factor when choosing a job? What other factors should be considered?

#people #job #income #security #money #factor #factors
It is argued by some
people
 that individuals should prioritise
salary
 to provide their family financial security.
While
 I strongly agree that remuneration is the biggest aspect of why
people
 choose a
job
, there are many other considerations
such
 as working hours, the company’s value, and the distance to a workplace that play a major role in one’s life to choosing a suitable
job
.
To begin
 with,
salary
 is the most important variable to select a profession because it is a necessity in life. With the big money from a
job
,
people
 can provide financial stability and security and ensure their family’s basic necessities
such
 as food, home living, education, health assurance, and make a retirement plan.
For example
, there are a lot of
people
 who find a
job
 and move out to any industrial city, especially in Cikarang and Karawang which have a big standard
salary
 to get a better life for their family.
However
,
salary
 is not the only factor on which
people
 base their opinion of where they want to work.
Job
 location, brand value, working hours, and work culture are some other considerations that
people
 look for
while
 applying for a
job
,
along with
 the
salary
 package.
For instance
, many younger generations tend to change jobs because they are looking for a
job
 with the same values as them.
Similarly
, they tend to choose a workplace with a healthy working culture rather than have a big
salary
 but have stress
due to
 work pressure. To summarize,
while
 money holds a significant component in helping
people
 decide on their dream
job
, there are other variables that
people
 consider when they are seeking a
job
.
Submitted by ers.2024 on

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Content Development
Expand on examples to further strengthen your argument. While mentioning Cikarang and Karawang offers a specific reference, delving into more details or including additional examples could enhance the argument's depth.
Balanced Argument
Consider different viewpoints. While your essay effectively states your position, considering and refuting opposing viewpoints could add to the comprehensiveness of your discussion.
Grammar and Style
Pay attention to varying sentence structures to enhance readability. Incorporating a mix of complex and simple sentences can make your writing more engaging.
Structure
You provided a clear introduction and conclusion, effectively framing your argument.
Content Breadth
You successfully argued the importance of several factors in job selection, demonstrating a well-rounded perspective.
Cohesion
Your essay is logically organized, with clear transitions between paragraphs.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • financial stability
  • job satisfaction
  • fulfillment
  • mental health
  • aligns with
  • productive career
  • career progression
  • growth potential
  • work-life balance
  • flexible hours
  • telecommuting
  • vacation time
  • professional responsibilities
  • working environment
  • corporate culture
  • toxic environment
  • stress and burnout
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