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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Parents of obese children should be punished for making them fat. Do you agree or disagree?

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The parents of kids who suffer from
obesity
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 should receive punishment for allowing them to become overweight.
This
Linking Words
 essay disagrees with
this
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 statement because
obesity
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 can be caused by genetics and
children
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 often eat unhealthy
food
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 outside of the home. Parents are not present when
children
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 consume most of their
food
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. When
children
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 are at school they eat snacks and have lunch and the adults have no control over their dietary intake during
this
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 time. A child could consume the vast majority of their calories during these unsupervised periods, without their mother and father's knowledge or permission, and much of
this
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 intake could take the form of junk
food
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.
For example
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, a recent study found that primary school students consume an average of 75% of their daily recommended calorific allowance during school hours.
Also
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,
obesity
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 not only comes from bad eating habits, some people can't lose weight
due to
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 their heredity. The metabolic process in the human body controls how fast organisms will use consumed calories.
Therefore
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 if someone has a slow metabolism, they are naturally inclined to gain more fat. Even when the child is active and eats healthy it is not a guarantee for him being skinny.
For instance
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, it was found that 30% of the
children
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 in North America suffer from morbid
obesity
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due to
Linking Words
 genetic disorders.
To conclude
Linking Words
, parents should not be under government control if their kids are overweight. Cause influence of junk
food
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 outside of the home and heredity can't be fixed by mothers and fathers to force
children
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 to lose weight.

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coherence cohesion
Consider varying your sentence structures to avoid repetitiveness.
task achievement
Try to make your introduction more engaging by adding a hook.
task achievement
Develop your conclusion further by summarizing the main points more precisely.
task achievement
You've effectively used examples to support your main points, enhancing your argument's credibility.
coherence cohesion
Your essay maintains a logical flow, which makes your argument easy to follow.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • obesity
  • genetics
  • socio-economic status
  • nutritional education
  • physical activity programs
  • adverse effects
  • mental health issues
  • responsibility sharing
  • implementation
  • privileged families
  • supportive environment
  • lifestyle changes
  • educational campaigns
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