IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Some people think most crimes are the result of circumstances like poverty and other social problems. Others believe that they are caused by people who are bad in nature. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#people #crimes #circumstances #poverty #nature
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It is generally accepted that the
crime
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 rate has increased significantly in
this
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 day and age. The most obvious issues in
this
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 can be poverty and others. There are those who argue that these
people
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 are led by bad personalities.
This
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 essay will elaborate on both perspectives and provide supporting reasons in the following paragraphs.
On the other hand
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, there are several reasons why
people
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 tend to commit crimes in various ways. The first and most obvious reason for
this
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 is that some groups of poor
people
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 do not have enough knowledge to find jobs or become educated about morality.
Secondly
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, a good case for
this
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 is that
this
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 action might stimulate these
people
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 to break the rules, particularly thieves.
Due to
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 the fact that some individuals use violence to harass others, they can get something they want.
Hence
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, these issues might be caused by their environment, which contributes to the misunderstanding of their
behaviors
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behaviours
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.
However
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, despite
crime
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 being caused by social problems, bad nature can be a serious point to debate. The initial matter to be mentioned is personality, as numerous
people
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 were born with mental problems. Not only do they think from negative perspectives, but they
also
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 remember the bad actions from the movies, which means their mindset would lead to some unconscious acts.
Hence
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, some traits can lead to
crime
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 if they have been present since childhood. In conclusion, both viewpoints examine different opinions. Personally, I believe that the occurrence of
crime
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 can be caused by the ignorance of governments and parents. As a suggestion, the administration should encourage the population to get a good education and provide support funds for poor
people
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.
Submitted by sasinipapj on

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Task Achievement
Expand on your ideas with more detailed examples to strengthen your argument and enhance clarity. While your points are relevant, deeper illustration can improve comprehension and impact.
Task Achievement
Ensure to have a balanced discussion of both views before concluding with your opinion for a more comprehensive response, aligning fully with the task's requirements.
Coherence and Cohesion
Improve transitions and connections between paragraphs for smoother flow. Employing a variety of linking phrases can enhance coherence.
Coherence and Cohesion
Review your essay for structure, specifically looking to enhance the balance between paragraphs discussing differing views, to ensure each viewpoint is equally explored.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your essay provides a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, effectively organizing your response.
Task Achievement
You successfully introduce the topic and provide a conclusion that reflects on both sides of the argument before presenting your own view, demonstrating a good understanding of the essay structure.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • socio-economic circumstances
  • poverty
  • lack of education
  • unemployment
  • illegal activities
  • desperation
  • social issues
  • exposure to violence
  • family structures
  • inherent
  • personality traits
  • lack of empathy
  • aggression
  • predilection for risk-taking
  • affluent backgrounds
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