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Writing Samples
Band 7

According to some people, it would be better if industries are established in regions outside the urban area. Discuss its advantages and disadvantages.

#people #industries #regions #area
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Today, some individuals argue that it would be preferable that
factories
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 be constructed outside of big
cities
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.
This
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 essay will suggest that pollution cuts and the reduction in industrial transportation costs are the main benefits of
this
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 situation
while
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 spending a
lot
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 of
time
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 on roads for
workers
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 and the threat of village extinction are the main drawbacks. First of all, by relocating
industries
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 to outside
cities
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, the amount of emission
that is
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 produced by them will be reduced. Since most
factories
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 produce a
lot
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 of carbon dioxide annually and emit it into the atmosphere, if they are built outside of metropolises, the amount of air pollution in
cities
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 will be cut significantly. Second of all, transporting the initial materials' cost is one of the challenging issues that every industry is facing. If heavy
industries
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' workplaces are situated near mines or mineral materials' excavation
sites
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, the cost of transportation will decrease dramatically and those
factories
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 can use
this
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 money in their other sectors. Gas power plants are the relevant example that are constructed near petroleum
sites
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 where they use gas for burning petrol without spending the logistics costs.
However
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, the vast majority of
workers
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 and employees who work in these
sites
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 spend their
time
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 on the roads.
Due to
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 the long distance between working
sites
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 and
workers
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' houses, most employees and
workers
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 spend their
time
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traveling
Change the spelling
travelling
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 to work.
As a consequence
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, they lose their energy and will feel exhausted
as well as
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 facing serious health problems.
Furthermore
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, the rural
areas
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 and agricultural businesses in
cities
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 would be extinct because of the building of different
factories
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. A
lot
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 of empty fields are needed for expanding
industries
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, so constructing these things not only destroys rural
areas
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 but
also
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due to
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 the usage of empty lands, the agriculture would die.
As a result
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,
cities
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 will be crowded because of the immigration of people who live in rural
areas
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.
For example
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, Isfahan is one of the crowded
cities
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 in Iran because of moving people from villages to
this
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 city
due to
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 industrialization. In conclusion, moving
industries
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 from big
cities
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 to rural
areas
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 has its own advantages and disadvantages.
Although
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 reducing air pollution and transporting goods' costs are the main benefits, spending a
lot
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 of
time
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 on roads and the destruction of villages are the main drawbacks.
Submitted by ramtin.n1374 on

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coherence cohesion
While your essay logically progresses from the introduction to the conclusion, making sure each paragraph has a clear central idea can improve your overall coherence.
task achievement
In your body paragraphs, try to develop your arguments further with more diverse examples and a deeper analysis of impacts.
coherence cohesion
Use more linking words and phrases to enhance the connectivity between your sentences and ideas.
coherence cohesion
Consider varying your sentence structures more to add complexity and flow to your writing.
task achievement
You've done well in providing relevant examples, but adding statistics or hypothetical scenarios can enrich your argumentation.
task achievement
You effectively addressed both advantages and disadvantages of the topic, ensuring a well-rounded discussion.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion were effectively used to frame your argument.
task achievement
You succeeded in using relevant examples to support your main points, enhancing the persuasive quality of your essay.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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