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Band 6

Some people think that money is one of the most essential factors in promoting happiness. Do you think people can be ahppy without much money? What other factors contribute towards happiness?

#people #money #factors #happiness #ahppy
Money
 is an important factor regarding the feeling of
happiness
;
however
, it is debatable whether people can experience
happiness
 without it or not. In
this
 essay, I will discuss why I think it is possible to feel happy without the existence of
money
,
in addition
 to the other factors which contribute to
this
 matter. It is worth noting that the financial situation of each individual has an important impact on their quality of life;
therefore
, it leads to noticeable effects on their feelings toward living.
For instance
, there are differences between having
money
 and living in a comfortable house with great accommodation as opposed to being under pressure. Meanwhile, other matters exist that are able to make one happy and it is not the only means to a fulfilled life;
in other words
, despite not having much
money
, people can still experience
happiness
. There are various factors other than
financial
Add an article
a financial
show examples
 status that can lead to
happiness
; to be precise, one is the quality of one’s relationships and the latter is the achievement
they
Correct pronoun usage
one
show examples
 can
fulfill
Change the spelling
fulfil
show examples
. Regarding the former, if people are able to express themselves
while
 communicating with others, it can play a huge role in their satisfaction towards life. The other factor is reaching achievements; each person has distinct goals and tries to reach them; when they reach what they yearned for, they are
immerged
Correct your spelling
immersed
show examples
 in an immense feeling of
self-fulfillment
Change the spelling
self-fulfilment
show examples
 and
happiness
. In conclusion,
Although
money
 has a great impact on people’s
happiness
, it is not the only
mean
Fix the agreement mistake
means
show examples
 of gaining
this
 feeling. In fact, there are other factors that contribute to that, including high-quality relations and goal achievements.
Therefore
 if one is unable to access a high level of fortune, it does not conclude that they will not feel satisfaction.
Submitted by viana.elahi on

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Task Achievement
Try to include more concrete examples or personal anecdotes to support your ideas about happiness and money. Examples make your arguments more relatable and persuasive.
Coherence & Cohesion
Ensure each paragraph has a clear main idea and that all parts of the paragraph cohesively support that idea. While your essay is well-organized, slight improvements in this area can enhance clarity.
Task Achievement
Your essay effectively addresses the prompt, demonstrating a thorough understanding of the topic and presenting a balanced view on the role of money in achieving happiness.
Coherence & Cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion effectively frame your argument, clearly presenting your thesis and summarizing your main points. This structural approach enhances your essay's coherence.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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