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Band 3

Many children today spend a lot of time on social media which hurts their grades. what is the cause of this? What can be done to solve this ?

#children #time #media #grades
Priveledge
Correct word choice
A privileged
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 amount of
youngers
Correct your spelling
young
show examples
, spend
thir
Correct your spelling
their
 hours on various social media platforms which in turn badly affects
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their grades. There is a freedom of access as a case of the
additiction
Correct your spelling
addiction
 situation.
This
 essay will provide
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 solution, like
enfocing
Correct your spelling
enforcing
 the rule to
restict
Correct your spelling
restrict
time
Correct article usage
the time
show examples
 children could spend on
such
 media. Freedom of choice,
lead
Correct subject-verb agreement
leads
show examples
 young boys and girls who still
did
Verb problem
have
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 not
had learn
Wrong verb form
learned
show examples
 how to avoid the lure of the fast dopamine right to
procratination
Correct your spelling
procrastination
 and wasting a lot of golden hours. Here,
young
Correct article usage
the young
show examples
 brain, rising around various
attention grabbing
Add a hyphen
attention-grabbing
show examples
 apps, can not focus on subjects at school
wich
Correct your spelling
which
show examples
 require a lot of force, energy and attention. Students
choose
Add the particle
choose to
show examples
 spend
time
 on
Correct pronoun usage
their phone
show examples
phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
show examples
 more,
reather
Correct your spelling
rather
on
Change preposition
than
show examples
 dull reality. In
this
 case, school heads and parents, need to make new rules, and engage children
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
 new
way
Fix the agreement mistake
ways
show examples
 of living by explaining the benefits of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
better
decision
Fix the agreement mistake
decisions
show examples
.
Thus
, presenting apps which count
time
spend
Wrong verb form
spent
show examples
 on
instagram
Change the capitalization
Instagram
show examples
 or
tik tok
Correct your spelling
TikTok
 will
illustrare
Correct your spelling
illustrate
 the
fact
Fix the agreement mistake
facts
show examples
 of the problem and naturally force them to
development
Replace the word
develop
show examples
.
To conclude
, even
theese
Correct your spelling
these
 days many
adolscents
Correct your spelling
adolescents
sitting
Wrong verb form
sit
show examples
 and
scrolling
Wrong verb form
scroll
show examples
 media,
beacuse
Correct your spelling
because
 they do not know the fact, and how to prevent
this
, parents and school heads will still bee needed to
envolve
Correct your spelling
involve
evolve
 children to know more,
use
Correct word choice
and use
show examples
 apps to prevent wasting
time
 in the future.
Submitted by asel97.15 on

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Coherence & Cohesion
Consider working on your essay's overall clarity and structure to make your arguments more compelling. Try using clear paragraph divisions to enhance the logical flow of ideas.
Task Achievement
Develop your main points more thoroughly with specific examples and explanations. This will strengthen the depth and richness of your essay.
General
Pay attention to spelling, grammar, and punctuation. Errors can distract from your message, but practicing and reviewing these areas can greatly improve your writing.
Task Response
The essay identifies a relevant issue and proposes a solution, showing good engagement with the topic.
Structure
You successfully introduced the topic and provided a conclusion, which helps structure your essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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