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Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people think that art is an essential subject for children at school while others think it is a waste of time. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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These days some people think that
art
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 is
one
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 of the important
subjects
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 for teaching to pupils in high
school
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, some argue that many children have been spending
time
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 uselessly mastering
this
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 subject.
While
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art
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 is interesting and compelling, I completely disagree with
this
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 viewpoint, because it can take valuable
time
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. I believe that academic
subjects
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 have to be added
instead
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 of
art
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 by
school
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 organizations. On the
one
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 hand,
one
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 of the best-known
subjects
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 has been
art
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 for the past era and by drawing and painting, people have a rest.
Firstly
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, it is common knowledge that
art
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 can lead to improved worldview, and enhance cognitive function, problem-solving skills, and creativity among all children.
Secondly
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, by organizing
art
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subjects
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, more and more feelings related to stress and anxiety levels can be reduced substantially.
This
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 is exactliefied by, creating
art
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 has been shown to decrease stress and anxiety levels by providing a therapeutic and calming outlet for expressing emotions and thoughts.
On the other hand
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,
although
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 the profession of
art
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 has significant benefits for children's mindset, it has a lot of negative impacts on teaching. It is not a secret that
art
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 may be explained by
school
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 teachers
one
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 or two times a week,
however
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, it is always to waste of
time
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 for students. Arguably,
school
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 organizations have to manage schedules, and it is noteworthy that they must add academic
subjects
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instead
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 of
art
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 to prepare for University.
In other words
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, engaging in artistic activities often requires
time
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, energy, and resources,
such
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 as materials, space, and equipment, which may be limited or not easily accessible to everyone.
For example
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, lacking enough resources, can cause stress and distraction and through
this
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 artistic work can not be well-organized. In conclusion, if
art
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subjects
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 were taken off the
school
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 timetable, it would likely be beneficial.
Thus
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, I believe that academic
subjects
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 are more useful than
art
Use synonyms

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Introduction Enhancement
Your introduction sets a clear direction for the discussion, but it would benefit from a more nuanced presentation of the views. A brief mention of why art might be considered valuable, in contrast to the view that it takes valuable time, could enhance your introduction.
Argument Development
While you've presented arguments for both views, there's an opportunity to deepen the analysis. Consider exploring more diverse perspectives and the potential impact of art education beyond just the individual, such as its effect on society or cultural appreciation.
Evidence Use
Your essay would benefit from more specific examples and evidence. For instance, referencing studies or statistics related to the benefits of art in education, or examples of schools successfully integrating art with academic subjects, could strengthen your argument.
Coherence & Cohesion
The essay has a logical flow, but transitions between points can be smoother. Phrases like 'on the other hand' and 'for example' are used well, but additional linking phrases and a clearer distinction between paragraphs could improve readability.
Conclusion Enhancement
Ensure your conclusion effectively summarizes the discussion and clearly states your viewpoint. Restating the main arguments briefly before presenting your opinion helps reinforce your stance for the reader.
Balanced Discussion
You've managed to address both sides of the argument, which is crucial in a 'Discuss both views' essay type. Well done on maintaining a balanced discussion.
Essay Structure
Your essay demonstrates a strong sense of structure with a clear introduction, body paragraphs for each view, and a conclusion. This organization aids in the overall coherence of your response.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • self-expression
  • critical thinking
  • problem-solving
  • cultural awareness
  • tolerant society
  • STEM subjects
  • employability
  • rigorous subjects
  • curriculum
  • school budgets
  • enriches
  • complements
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