IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 8

The number of people who are overweight or obese is far higher than in previous generation. What are the reasons for this, and How this problem be tackled.

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Nowadays, it is a dime a dozen that people often run into the obesity issue, which is a ubiquitous phenomenon around the world. The run-of-the-mill people certainly believe that the young generations are possibly more vulnerable to being overweight than the older citizens.
Hence
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,
this
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 essay is going to elaborate on the legitimate reasons and how supposedly people and government come across the aforementioned challenge.
To begin
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 with, there might be two crucial causes that play an important role in the formidable problem coming about to teenagers.
First,
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it is inevitable that they feel like eating the processed meal frequently containing a lot of sugar in their daily life. Let's say, a snack must questionably provide over 50 grams of sugar.
In addition
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, they
also
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 avoid training their bodies physically in terms of boosting the carbohydrate metabolism
that is
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 possibly conducted at home. Based on the data, only 40% of adults in Indonesia allocate their downtime to hit the gym.
Moreover
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, to resolve the issue, parents and the government are required to collaborate together, which takes into account their specific actions.
For instance
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, the mother must undoubtedly play a paramount role in providing healthy food
that is
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 convenient for their kids every day to deter consuming unhealthy meals.
In contrast
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, it coincides with the government that supposedly makes a tough regulation regarding the ready meal production in a company to reduce utilisation more sugar cane.
To sum up
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, based on
this
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 essay, commercial foods and movement exercises may contribute to the level of obesity that has been inferred by many researchers.
Consequently
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, citizens and nations must totally go together to diminish the issue in two various ways.

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Expression
Be cautious of using idiomatic expressions ('a dime a dozen', 'run-of-the-mill') as they might not always fit the formal tone of an academic essay.
Evidence
Ensure your examples are directly linked to the statistics or studies to strengthen your arguments. Mentioning data without clear sources can weaken the credibility of your points.
Detailing Solutions
For a higher score, try to expand on the solutions provided by including more varied examples and detailing how these solutions can be effectively implemented.
Tone
Work on maintaining a more academic tone throughout your essay. Avoid colloquial phrases and ensure your language consistently matches the essay's formal context.
Task Response
Your essay effectively addresses both parts of the question (reasons for obesity and potential solutions).
Structure
You structured your essay well with a clear introduction, development of ideas in body paragraphs, and a concise conclusion.
Examples
The use of examples, even if in need of clearer sourcing, helps to support the ideas presented in your essay.
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