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Writing Samples
Band 8

To what extent do you agree and/or disagree? Some people think that the only purpose of working hard is to earn money

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It is thought by some that the aim of working among individuals is solely for financial reward.
Although
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 I accept that some employees take extra hours in
work
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 only to obtain more
money
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,I believe that the purpose of
this
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 tendency among people is to lay the groundwork for their future and escape from long-term dependency. On the one hand,as some,especially those who have a limited budget cannot make a living or cannot afford to pay for basic necessities,the main desire among them can be to obtain more salary.
For example
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,there are many people who have many responsibilities
such
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 as raising their children or supporting their families do not have enough
money
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 to pay for their minors' education or other necessities and
consequently
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,they can devote their time to
work
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 solely to gain more
money
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.
On the other hand
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,I consider that the primary aim of taking additional hours in
work
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 is that they can want to build their lives and contemplate their future.They dedicate themselves to their
work
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 as much as they can and want to gain more experience
as well as
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 become knowledgeable in their occupations.These valuable experiences can help them run their own business and escape from long-term dependency,which creates a sense of fulfilment among them.
For example
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, in many developing countries , employees procure low salaries and by working hard,they want to get experience these experiences can lead to better opportunities for them and
as a consequence
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,they can live autonomously without relying on salary. In conclusion ,
while
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 those who have a limited budget can have a desire to gain
money
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 by working more than normal,I believe that the main aim among them can be to escape from dependency and have a better lifestyle.

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structure
Ensure your essay has a clear and logical structure, making it easier for readers to follow your thoughts and arguments.
cohesion
Use more varied sentence structures and linking phrases to connect your ideas more smoothly, enhancing the coherence of your text.
examples
Consider including more detailed examples to support your main points. Specific real-world examples can enrich your argument and make it more persuasive.
introduction conclusion
Work on refining your introduction and conclusion to more clearly present your thesis statement and summarize your main points effectively.
task response
You have successfully addressed the task requirements by discussing both sides of the argument before forming a reasoned conclusion.
focus
Your essay maintains a good focus on the topic throughout, clearly addressing the prompt.
examples usage
The use of examples, although they could be more detailed, helps to support your arguments.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • intrinsic rewards
  • personal fulfillment
  • sense of purpose
  • contributing to society
  • practical aspect
  • personal growth
  • skills development
  • workaholism
  • work-life balance
  • innovation
  • financial gain
  • significantly
  • self-improvement
  • motivator
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