IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 8.5

some people say in order to prevent illness and disease governments should focus on reducing environmental pollution and housing problems. To what extent do you agree or disagree.

#people #illness #disease #governments #focus #pollution
In the contemporary world, environmental pollution and housing issues have contributed to the deterioration of public energy and some people believe that governments should develop initiatives to address these challenges.
While
 I agree with
this
 sentiment to a large extent, I am inclined that compelling outcomes will not be readily evident by simply concentrating on solving environmental contamination and housing challenges. To commence, it is undeniable that the dire quality of air and water is one of the major factors for the degradation of public wellness. In metropolitan areas, rampant air and water adulteration, stemming from industrial activities and urbanization processes, leads to chronic diseases.
For instance
, the Ganges River in India correlates with severe ailments, including cholera, dysentery, and hepatitis,
due to
 an overwhelming amount of industrial and human waste discharged into the river.
Additionally
, inefficiencies in housing schemes exacerbate the issues of overpopulation and poor living conditions, leading to a lack of adequate sanitation, ventilation, and essential services.
Consequently
, these densely populated neighbourhoods become the breeding grounds for disease vectors,
such
 as mosquitoes and fleas.
Therefore
, if governments put more emphasis on mitigating environmental issues and housing dilemmas,
such
 problems will be alleviated to a great extent.
Nevertheless
, simply focusing on environmental and housing complications is not an effective way to combat all illnesses. It is imperative to recognize alongside these efforts, the government should prioritize raising public awareness and implementing educational programs.
Furthermore
, the promotion of robust lifestyles can encourage people to adopt healthy habits. To illustrate, a campaign in Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam called upon the local citizens to incorporate a daily 30 minute-morning walk into their routines.
As a result
, the participants reported noticeable improvements in their mental and physical health.
In other words
, by enriching the population’s knowledge about fitness and prompting them to a more active lifestyle, the government not only lowers disease-related mortality rates but
also
 eases the burden on its healthcare system.
To conclude
, it is pivotal for governments to come up with initiatives to tackle obstacles posed by pollution and housing inefficiency in order to improve the population’s strength.
However
, the underlying problems are not limited to those conundrums and the population itself still plays a crucial role.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Well-structured paragraphs with clear argumentation provide a solid foundation for your essay. Continue using this approach to maintain coherence in your writing.
task achievement
Incorporating more diversified vocabulary specific to the topic can enhance the depth and precision of your argument. Consider using terms directly related to public health, urban planning, and environmental policy.
task achievement
While you have used examples, such as the Ganges River and Ho Chi Minh City campaign, to support your arguments, expanding on these examples or including a diverse range could make your essay even more compelling. This could involve detailing the impact of specific policies or programs related to your points.
task achievement
The use of specific examples like the Ganges River and the Ho Chi Minh City campaign adds credibility and depth to your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Your essay follows a clear, logical structure, which effectively guides the reader through your argument, making your position and rationale easy to understand.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • preventive healthcare
  • environmental regulations
  • respiratory diseases
  • public health policies
  • sanitation facilities
  • urban planning
  • communicable diseases
  • socio-economic factors
  • sustainable development
  • government intervention
  • healthcare infrastructure
  • industrial emissions
  • air quality index
  • affordable housing
  • mental wellbeing
What to do next:
Look at other essays: