IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 8

Some people say in order to prevent illness and disease, governments should focus on reducing environmental and housing problems. To what extend do you agree or disagree?

#people #illness #disease #governments #focus
There is a consideration that authorities should avoid disease and illness by concentrating on housing and environmental issues.
This
 writer contends that
although
 that solution is a difficult obstacle, it will have a positive impact on human health, especially in
this
 era.
To begin
 with, pollution is one of the most common reasons leading to disease, and decreasing the living standard of humans.
In other words
, it can be understood that the environment is the source providing essential conditions
such
 as oxygen, water or food for people. So if
this
 ecosystem becomes polluted severely, humans’ lives will be affected in many ways.
For example
, individuals who reside near industrial factories often put up with being lack of fresh water because , after the manufacturing process, these factories discharge all of the poisonous wastes into the river directly. Despite responding several times,
this
 situation still continues happening in some areas, reducing the quality of resident’s health.
Thus
, the government should tackle
this
 problem as soon as possible, limiting water pollution in order to protect our lives.
Besides
,
due to
 the development of society, the accommodation needs of citizens have gone up significantly and many skyscrapers or high buildings are being built. To clarify, during the manufacturing process, employees must use construction machines which release untreated emissions, leading to air pollution.
For instance
, contact with toxic gas every day will increase the ratio of getting into trouble
such
 as shortness of breath or another disease related to the lungs.
Consequently
, standing in the long term could reduce human expectancy, which is why authorities should take action now to prevent unexpected results. Taking everything into account, the government should be aware that focusing on environmental and housing inefficiency is a necessary task of authorities and come up with initiatives in order to protect residents’ health.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Cohesion
Make sure all paragraphs are well-developed and clearly focused on supporting the central argument. While your essay demonstrates good structure, further elaboration in some parts could strengthen your argument.
Task Achievement
Use a wider range of sentence structures and vocabulary to convey your ideas more precisely. This could enhance the overall clarity and impact of your essay.
General
Remember to proofread your work to avoid small inaccuracies and typographical errors. These can slightly disrupt the reader's engagement with your ideas.
Task Achievement
Your essay effectively addresses the prompt, showing a clear position throughout the discussion.
Coherence & Cohesion
You provided relevant examples and a logical flow of ideas, which helped in making your argument persuasive.
Coherence & Cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are appropriately crafted, framing your argument effectively and providing a solid overview and closure to your discussion.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: