IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some people say in order to prevent illness and disease, governments should focus on reducing environmental pollution and housing problems. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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It is believed that the solution to prevent illness and disease is that governments should concentrate on facilitating environmental issues and housing problems. Personally, I agree with the statement and
this
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 essay proves it. Since the issues of pollution and housing are increasing leading to the explosion of disease, it is understandable why the authorities have to solve problems
such
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 as the environment, and housing areas.
To begin
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 with, it can reduce the percentage of
viruses
Use synonyms
 in an area by organizing a campaign to clean, and improve the quality of the area. The more filthy the areas are, the more
viruses
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 can be contained.
Furthermore
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, filthy places tend to make insects that can cause diseases to increase
such
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 as flies, and cockroaches.
As a result
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, the percentage of infection may be reduced
due to
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 the benefits of the campaign that the authorities organized. There is another advantage of solving environmental pollution is that it makes the quality of living improve significantly as there are not any good conditions for the
viruses
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 to live. By encouraging the residents about the knowledge of the diseases, they can help the government to prevent
the
Correct article usage
apply
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infection
as well as
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 protect themselves from illness.
Besides
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 that, they can educate their children so as to clean their rooms.
Consequently
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, the residents enhance their knowledge about the diseases, potentially leading to a good lifestyle. In conclusion, I agree that the government should pay attention to reducing the environmental and housing problems to improve the quality of life and facilitate the percentage of
viruses
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 that can lead to infection.

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Task Achievement
Try to include more specific examples and data to support your arguments. This will make your ideas more convincing and grounded in reality.
Coherence and Cohesion
Using a wider range of linking words and transitions could help improve the coherence and fluency of your essay. Exploring different connectors can enrich your writing style.
Task Achievement
Consider developing your ideas further by discussing potential counter-arguments and addressing them. This can add depth to your essay and show a comprehensive understanding of the topic.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your essay has a clear structure, with a distinct introduction, body, and conclusion, which makes it easy to follow.
Task Achievement
You effectively conveyed your agreement with the statement and maintained a consistent stance throughout the essay.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • preventive healthcare
  • environmental regulations
  • respiratory diseases
  • public health policies
  • sanitation facilities
  • urban planning
  • communicable diseases
  • socio-economic factors
  • sustainable development
  • government intervention
  • healthcare infrastructure
  • industrial emissions
  • air quality index
  • affordable housing
  • mental wellbeing
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