IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

Some people say in order to prevent illness and disease governments should focus on reducing environmental pollution and housing problems. To what extent do you agree or disagree.

#people #illness #disease #governments #focus #pollution
In
this
 modern era, the issue of
health
 is something which bears some consideration. Some people believe that
local
Correct article usage
the local
show examples
 state should develop initiatives to improve environmental pollution and address housing issues which have contributed to the deterioration of public strength. As far as I am concerned, I am on the same wavelength with them on
this
 matter because of better living conditions and healthier life for individuals. It is an undeniable fact that the environmental pollution problem is more and more serious, and its effects on humans, animals, and vegetation alike can be grave and irreparable.
As a result
,
this
 problem has a long-term negative effect on both physical and mental
health
.
Moreover
, hundreds of lives are claimed in the world
due to
 people’s daily activities – those related to the degradation of the environment.
For instance
, today’s farmers are no strangers to the practice of overdosing the farmlands with pesticides and insecticides.
Besides
 that, countless factories are poisoning the water with toxic refuse and environmentally unfriendly chemicals.
Hence
, it is necessary for
ministry
Correct article usage
the ministry
show examples
 and residents to effort
stopping
Wrong verb form
to stop
show examples
 these activities and save the majority of people from unnecessary diseases. Another point to consider is that housing problems should be properly addressed in order to combat disease, especially in areas that contain loads of bacteria and pathogens
such
 as plentiful accommodations and slums. Indeed, these densely populated neighbourhoods become the breeding grounds for disease vectors,
such
 as mosquitoes and fleas.
Therefore
, if governments put more emphasis on mitigating environmental issues and housing dilemmas,
such
 problems will be alleviated to a great extent.
Nevertheless
, simply focusing on environmental and housing complications is not an effective way to combat all illnesses. It is imperative to concede alongside these efforts, the government should prioritize raising public awareness and implementing educational programs.
Furthermore
, the promotion of robust lifestyles can encourage people to adopt healthy habits. To illustrate, a campaign in Ho Chi Minh City Vietnam called upon the local citizens to incorporate a daily 30 minute-morning walk into their routines.
Consequently
, the participants reported noticeable improvements in their mental and physical
health
.
In other words
, by enriching the population’s knowledge about
health
 and prompting them to a more active lifestyle, the government not only lowers disease-related mortality rates but
also
 eases the burden on its healthcare system. Taking all points into account, it is pivotal for
authority
Fix the agreement mistake
authorities
show examples
 to come up with initiatives to tackle obstacles posed by pollution and housing inefficiency in order to improve the population’s fitness.
However
, the underlying problems are not limited to those conundrums and the population itself
also
 plays a crucial role.

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coherence cohesion
Ensure each paragraph is clearly structured around one main idea for improved clarity.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples and data to support your arguments for a stronger impact.
coherence cohesion
Consider a more varied use of linking words and transitions to enable smoother flow between ideas.
coherence cohesion
Use paragraphs to logically separate your arguments, enhancing the overall readability.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion which frames your argument well.
task achievement
You effectively address the task, providing a balanced view with relevant examples.
coherence cohesion
Your main points are well-supported and contribute to the overall cohesion of the text.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • preventive healthcare
  • environmental regulations
  • respiratory diseases
  • public health policies
  • sanitation facilities
  • urban planning
  • communicable diseases
  • socio-economic factors
  • sustainable development
  • government intervention
  • healthcare infrastructure
  • industrial emissions
  • air quality index
  • affordable housing
  • mental wellbeing
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