IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

most people have forgotten the meaning behind traditional or religious festivals, during festival periods, people nowadays only want to enjoy themselves. to what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

#people #festivals #periods
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Some folks argue that nowadays the original meaning of feast, either traditional or religious
festivals
, is left behind and that most of us see it as a means of seeking pleasure.
While
 I completely agree that having quality time with family or friends are priority during festival times, I do not agree that the meaning of the festival is forgotten. On the one hand, religious and traditional
festivals
 are celebrated by most
people
 each year. In Indonesia, since Muslims are the majority citizens here,
thus
eid
 al fithr is a good example of
festival
Add an article
a festival
show examples
 period when
people
 were most concerned with making cookies, shopping, giving and receiving presents, decorating their homes and enjoying traditional meals with their families. Even the homecoming culture is embedded in the image of
Eid
 al-Fitr. Most
people
, not only Muslims but
also
 other religious believers, look forward to
Eid
 al Fitr as a holiday period, rather than a time to practice religion. Similar behaviour can be seen during non-religious
festivals
,
for instance
, Independence Day, City Anniversary and local traditional
festivals
 in many places in Indonesia.
In other words
, excitement is
people
’s primary goal.
However
, I disagree with the idea that the underlying meaning of these
festivals
 is already forgotten. Before
people
 celebrate
Eid
 al Fitr, they have to fast for a month in Ramadan. Within
this
 month,
people
 of all ages, both men and women, boys or girls, fill their time by reciting the Qur’an, performing the Tarawih prayer, increasing alms and doing other good deeds. Parents
also
 play an important role in introducing their young children to the meaning of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
worship during Ramadan. Because of the role of all family members,
thus
 it makes the experiences they had during Ramadan were memorable. The same applies to the celebration of traditional
festivals
 that have a historical background. When participating in these celebrations,
people
 generally learn about the history behind them. In conclusion,
although
people
 mainly want to please themselves, I believe that deep down in their hearts they realize and understand the story and meaning behind the celebrations.
Submitted by ru.kabiru.biru on

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Coherence Cohesion
To enhance your score in coherence and cohesion, consider varying your sentence structures and using a wider range of linking words to smoothly connect ideas.
Task Achievement
For task achievement, you could deepen the analysis of how festival traditions are maintained or how their meanings are conveyed to younger generations, adding further depth to your argument.
Introduction
The essay effectively introduces the topic and presents a clear thesis statement, setting the stage for a balanced discussion.
Use of Examples
Provides relevant examples from Indonesian culture to support the argument, enriching the content and making the discussion more tangible.
Position Consistency
Maintains a clear position throughout the essay, demonstrating a strong understanding of the task requirements.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Commercialization
  • Globalization
  • Cultural dilution
  • Traditional values
  • Secularization
  • Festivity
  • Heritage
  • Individualism vs. collectivism
  • Consumer culture
  • Intangible cultural heritage
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