IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 8

Government should spend money to increase the development of sport and art for school students rather than supporting professional sport and art performances for general public. Do you agree or disagree?

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Nowadays, Sports and arts are playing a prominent role and they have been considered essential factors in human life. Some people assert that the administration should spend money on school students
instead
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 of professional ones. I believe that these statements are partially correct, and I will provide some examples based on real-life experiences that I have faced in my previous life. Research has found that as long as the governments are spending a significant amount of money on their sports players and art performances it will attract more visitors.
For instance
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, In Barcelona, people visit play clubs and traditional buildings significantly, twice a year.
Moreover
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, It brings an enormous income in financial methods and increases the currency of Spain so dramatically.
Therefore
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, individuals are encouraged to spend more time in these places.
On the other hand
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, raising students in schools by improving their own skills and learning from professional players and craft subjects will boost the advantages and the benefits of the countries as we mentioned in the previous paragraph.
For example
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, Messi, a player of Barcelona has adapted from a young age in order to play football with a higher rank football academy. Nowadays Mesii is one of the most famous players in FIFA competitions.
In addition
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, spending more money on students in athletic activities and craft education will raise their comprehensive and cognitive skills and improve them so effectively. In conclusion, governments should cooperate with the president especially the children in schools and make them a part of society.
Also
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, giving the chance to the youngest people and making them creative and passionate.
Nevertheless
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, never forget the professional nations who are the spotlights of play and art improvements.
Finally
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, I believe that both cases are important and we should focus on them equally.

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task achievement
Make sure your introduction clearly states your position on the topic. A clearer thesis statement would enhance your essay's focus.
task achievement
Ensure each paragraph has a clear main idea and that all supporting details directly relate to that main idea. This strengthens your argument.
coherence and cohesion
Use a variety of linking words to show relationships between ideas, but make sure they are used appropriately to maintain coherence.
general advice
Check for minor grammatical errors and sentence structure to ensure clarity in your expression. Though these are minor, polishing them will improve the overall quality of your writing.
task achievement
You provided relevant examples from real-life experiences, which strengthens your task response.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay structure effectively includes an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which helps with coherence and cohesion.
task achievement
Your conclusion effectively summarises your essay's main points, reinforcing your position on the topic.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Foster a sense of creativity and teamwork
  • Well-rounded individuals
  • Discovery of young talent
  • Nurtured to achieve greater success
  • Social or economic background
  • Access to quality education
  • Healthier lifestyle
  • Obesity and mental health problems
  • National pride and cultural appreciation
  • Showcasing the country’s talent
  • Generate revenue
  • Tourism and media coverage
  • Societal well-being
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