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Band 6

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

#children #hours #smartphones #case #development
Recently, newcomer parents have not been spending enough
time
 with their
children
.
Therefore
, they often use easier ways of parenting
such
 as sending them to grandparents or letting them use
smartphones
 extensively, leading to increased smartphone usage among
children
. In the essay, I explained both the advantages and disadvantages of
this
 situation. In terms of benefits,
smartphones
 offer educational opportunities and connectivity. In the digital era, educational resources are easily accessible from everywhere through the internet and
smartphones
.
Moreover
, many social media can provide the information needed.
For instance
, generation Z
children
 prefer using platforms
such
 as
Tiktok
Correct your spelling
TikTok
show examples
 over
google
Capitalize word
Google
show examples
 for their searches. Another significant benefit is connectivity. The internet brings people closer together, especially
new generation
Add a hyphen
new-generation
show examples
 youth, who certainly connect with others.
As a result
, platforms
such
 as social media communities and dating apps not only facilitate social interactions but
also
 foster deeper social connections by linking people to another
one
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
with similar interests.
On the other hand
,
smartphones
 come with adverse effects for some kids
such
 as delays in social and emotional development or lack of physical activities and sleep quality. The most noticeable negative impact is social and emotional development. Smartphone usage blocks
children
’s ability via
non face-to-face
Add a hyphen
non-face-to-face
show examples
 interactions, leading to problems
for
Change preposition
in
show examples
 developing empathy, emotional intelligence and interpersonal skills. Another negative aspect is physical health issues.
While
Correct word choice
When
show examples
children
 spend
time
 on a smartphone, it decreases physical activity and high-quality sleep
time
 ,bringing them to health issues
such
 as obesity and cognitive problems. In conclusion,
smartphones
 are two-edged swords that have positive and negative sides. For suggestions, I recommend that parents should spend enough
time
 with their
children
.
Submitted by techodom44889 on

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Intro clarity
Engage with the question more directly in the introduction to establish a clear position from the beginning.
Cohesion
Try to use a wider range of linking words and phrases to improve cohesion between ideas.
Specific examples
Include more specific examples to support your arguments, making sure they directly relate to the positive and negative impacts discussed.
Balanced discussion
Ensure a balanced discussion by allocating equal examination to both the positive and negative aspects, aligning closely with the essay question.
Balanced view
Your essay effectively outlines both the advantages and disadvantages of smartphone use among children.
Vocabulary use
You've utilized a good range of vocabulary to express your ideas.
Effective conclusion
The conclusion succinctly summarizes the essay, reinforcing your stance effectively.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
What to do next:
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