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Writing Samples
Band 7

Some people think that success in life comes from hard work and determination, while others think that there are more important factors, such as money and appearance. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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Many people believe that effort and discipline play an important role in achieving
success
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 in life,
while
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 others argue that money and appearance are two aspects that significantly influence one's
success
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. In
this
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 essay, I will discuss the advantages and drawbacks of
this
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 phenomenon and provide my own perspective. On the one hand, there are several reasons why finance and physical attractiveness are perceived as necessary for
success
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. Money can facilitate the realization of desires
such
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 as power and influence.
For instance
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,
individuals
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 with substantial financial resources have numerous opportunities to advance rapidly in their careers or gain prominence within their communities.
Additionally
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, personal appearance is a crucial factor affecting
success
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.
For example
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, displaying confident body language can greatly enhance an individual's chances of securing employment.
On the other hand
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, it is crucial not to underestimate the importance of hard work and determination, which are vital components of achieving
success
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.
Firstly
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, hard work enables
individuals
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 to gain valuable experience in various life situations.
For instance
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, a young student who consistently practices different types of assignments is more likely to minimize the risk of repeating mistakes, thereby increasing their chances of achieving high scores in exams.
Secondly
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, willpower provides the motivation to establish goals, which serve as the foundation for
success
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.
Moreover
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, it is an essential trait that enables
individuals
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 to effectively tackle complex challenges in life. In conclusion,
while
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 money and personal appearance can indeed influence
success
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 by providing numerous opportunities for advancement, effort and willpower remain dominant factors. These qualities are indispensable skills that guide
individuals
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 on the journey to
success
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.

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Language Use
To further improve your essay, consider diversifying your sentence structure and using a wider range of vocabulary. This will not only enhance readability but also demonstrate a more sophisticated command of the language.
Supporting Examples
While your essay offers relevant examples, integrating more specific and detailed illustrations can enrich your argument, making it more persuasive and engaging for the reader.
Introduction/Conclusion
Your introduction and conclusion are clearly structured, effectively setting the stage and summarizing your main points.
Task Response
You maintain a good balance between discussing both views and articulating your own opinion, demonstrating an effective task response.
Coherence/Cohesion
The logical flow of your essay and the coherence between paragraphs showcase a strong understanding of essay structure.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • perseverance
  • discipline
  • resilience
  • effort
  • tenacity
  • external factors
  • financial resources
  • favorable appearance
  • perceptions
  • advantages
  • intrinsic
  • extrinsic
  • sustainable
  • facilitating
  • undeniable
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