IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people in order to prevent illness and disease, government should focus on reducing environmental pollution and housing problems. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Nowadays , people are trying to minimize
the
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apply
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epidemics , the
head quarter
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headquarter
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 should concentrate on bringing down Contamination and
the
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accommodation issues .
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This
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The
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 author of
this
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 essay
claim
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claims
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 that they will solve and
paying
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pay
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 attention to these complications . First of all the environment has a big impact on citizen's health . Take
an
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a
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 clear example , everyday people approach the air by their destination regularly .
Besides
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 that , pollution can make the underlying disease more complicated . The more efforts
government
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the government
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 reduce
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the
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pollution , the less
resident
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residents
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 get
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illnesses
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illness
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illnesses
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 and issues suffer from .
Consequently
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 , the percentage reason
of
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causing illness is unhealthy lifestyle , the alimentary and our daily routine are the most effective on how we live . Another point worth mentioning is that avoiding illness is a way to sustain the demand of supply of the citizens. Specifically, the increment in demands for living conditions in many aspects
such
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 as entertainment or consumption must be paralleled with the supplement sources, if there are not any practical solutions for curing diseases, the unbalance of the demand and supply will leave a detrimental effect on the living circumstance of the citizen.
Consequently
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, struggling against
such
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 ailments can maintain the harmony between demands and supplies.
This
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 is true in China, the rising proportion of patients has left governments taking action to cope with
such
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 issues in order to prohibit the prospect of lacking supplements for daily use. In conclusion, the parliament should be involved in mitigating the effects of harmful components that can lead to
such
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 ailments, after which the downfall of the economy and deficit in demand of supply can be neglected.
Hence
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,
this
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 essay has provided evidence to support the given opinion.

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Introduction Clarity
Make sure your introduction clearly addresses the topic and outlines your position. Your introduction currently lacks a direct statement on the extent of your agreement or disagreement.
Idea Development
Work on enhancing the clarity and specificity of your main points. Instead of broad statements, focus on how government action on pollution and housing could specifically impact health.
Paragraph Structure
To improve coherence, use clear topic sentences at the beginning of paragraphs to guide the reader through your argument.
Supporting Examples
Include more specific examples and evidence to support your points. This will make your argument more persuasive and relevant to the question.
Language Accuracy
Be mindful of grammar and word choice to ensure your ideas are communicated clearly. Consider revising phrases and structures that could cause confusion.
Task Relevance
Your essay effectively connects environmental and housing issues with public health, which aligns with the task.
Content Coverage
You've managed to cover a variety of relevant points, showing a good effort to respond comprehensively.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Environmental pollution
  • Public health
  • Respiratory diseases
  • Cardiovascular conditions
  • Infectious diseases
  • Mental health problems
  • Government intervention
  • Industrial emissions
  • Clean energy sources
  • Public housing policies
  • Safe and affordable housing
  • Environmental hazards
  • Green public spaces
  • Community well-being
  • Physical inactivity
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