IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

Some people say that to prevent illness and disease, governments should focus more on reducing environmental pollution and housing problems. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #illness #disease #governments #focus #pollution
Some people believe that governing bodies should give more attention to
mitigate
Wrong verb form
mitigating
show examples
 the problems of environmental
pollution
 and solving housing problems to protect denizens from health issues. Personally, I wholeheartedly agree with
this
 statement for the following reasons.
Firstly
, I believe that alleviating environmental
pollution
 could help to protect humans against respiratory diseases.
For example
, the massive exhaust emissions from factories
has
Change the verb form
have
show examples
 catastrophically exacerbated air
pollution
 in major cities, particularly in Shang Hai and Beijing, rendering the air quality in China alarmingly contaminated. Living in
this
 polluted environment could make its residents more susceptible to serious diseases,
such
 as lung cancer or asthma.
However
,
such
 ailments could be easily prevented by the attempt to
mitigating
Wrong verb form
mitigate
show examples
 air
pollution
, which could be achieved through the effort of reducing the amount of toxic exhaust fumes released into the atmosphere.
Secondly
, addressing housing problems could
also
 prevent humankind
of
Change preposition
from
show examples
 severe illnesses. In certain countries, people still have to live under substandard conditions because of poverty and overcrowding.
For example
, inhabitants of many countries in Africa work extremely hard every day in order to earn just adequate money to buy food, let alone enough to have access to clean water.
As a result
, they have to use polluted water from rivers or ponds for their daily activities like cooking and drinking, thereby facing a greater risk of having infectious diseases,
such
 as cholera or dysentery. If governments allocate more
fundings
Fix the agreement mistake
funding
show examples
 to provide free healthy water to these areas, the fitness condition of their dwellers would be significantly improved. In conclusion, I strongly agree that policymakers should concentrate more on mitigating environmental
pollution
 and improving living conditions for the sake of residents’ well-being.
Submitted by zky1705202 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

depth complexity
Try to ensure a more developed second argument in your essay, as this will enhance the completeness and depth of your discussion.
linking phrases
Include a wider range of linking devices to improve the flow and cohesiveness of your essay. This will make your arguments more seamlessly connected.
conclusion strength
Consider revisiting your conclusion to ensure it summarizes all key points discussed in the essay. A more robust conclusion reinforces your arguments.
introduction
You effectively introduced the topic and presented a clear thesis statement that set the stage for your essay. This is commendable as it helps readers understand your stance from the beginning.
examples relevance
Providing specific examples and reasons in support of your arguments significantly strengthens the essay. The reference to specific instances of environmental issues and its impact on health in China and Africa is particularly effective.
logical flow
Your essay demonstrates a good logical structure. There is a clear progression of ideas from one paragraph to the next, which significantly aids understanding.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • preventive healthcare
  • environmental regulations
  • respiratory diseases
  • public health policies
  • sanitation facilities
  • urban planning
  • communicable diseases
  • socio-economic factors
  • sustainable development
  • government intervention
  • healthcare infrastructure
  • industrial emissions
  • air quality index
  • affordable housing
  • mental wellbeing
What to do next:
Look at other essays: