IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

IYou should spend about 40 minutes on this task. Write about the following topic. In some cultures, children are told they can achieve anything if they work hard. What are the advantages and disadvantages of giving children this message? Write at least 250 words.

#iyou #minutes #topic #cultures #children #work #message
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The
phrase
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 “you can do anything if you
work
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 hard enough for it” is very controversial and very common in the world, with children and adults. When someone is down or needs a little push,
this
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phrase
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 is a really good motivation to keep going and
work
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 for what you want. But if we talk about children it could have a good
side
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 and a bad
side
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. To start, The good
side
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 of telling the
kids
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 that if they
work
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 for it they can achieve it is that
this
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phrase
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 carries a big emotional motivation towards different situations. When a child really wants to achieve something
such
Linking Words
 as having the prettiest drawing in the class but he doesn't feel like he is the best at drawing, if an adult tells him that if he works hard for it he can achieve it, it gives the child the feeling that someone has hope on him so he is capable of doing it.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, if we talk about the “bad”
side
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 of
this
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.
Kids
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 are really naive, with big minds and imagination, and sometimes what they want to achieve is not actually possible,
kids
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 can imagine things far beyond where the mind takes you and even
tho
Correct word choice
though
show examples
this
Linking Words
 is good in all the possible ways, sometimes it can have consequences, especially when an adult has to break
this
Linking Words
 imagination and take them to reality.
This
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 is kind of an example of the “bad”
side
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 of saying
this
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phrase
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 to
kids
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. They can start to think that all the things they imagine are possible if you
work
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 hard enough for
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
, but the reality is that not everything that's going in your mind is possible.
To sum up
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, saying to
kids
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 that if you
work
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 for it you can make it, has a good
side
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 and a bad
side
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,
as
Change preposition
like
show examples
 everything in the world. When saying
this
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 to
kids
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 it can affect a lot of things of how they think, for good or for bad.
Submitted by patriciareyesfiguero on

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Use of Examples
To elevate your essay to a higher band, consider adding more detailed and varied examples to support your points. Specific instances can enrich your argument, making it more compelling.
Paragraph Structure
Consider adopting a more structured approach in your paragraphs, ensuring a clear topic sentence followed by explanation, example, and a concluding sentence for coherence.
Language Precision
To further improve, work on enhancing the precision of your language, including the careful choice of words and phrases. This can add to the clarity and impact of your argument.
Balanced Argument
Your essay provides a balanced view on the topic, addressing both advantages and disadvantages, which effectively meets the task requirement.
Coherence
The coherent flow from one paragraph to the next aids in making your argument clear and easy to follow.
Introduction and Conclusion
Your opening and concluding paragraphs effectively frame your discussion, providing a clear introduction and a considered conclusion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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