IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Many governments thinks that economic progress is their most important goal. Some people, however, think that other types of progress are equally important for a country Discuss both these views and give your opinion.

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It cannot be denied that many governments argue that economic
progress
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 is the most important aim for a
country
Use synonyms
while
Linking Words
 some people think that other kinds of
progress
Use synonyms
 are equally important for a nation. These two different arguments produced positive and negative results
whereas
Linking Words
 , from my standpoint, I firmly believe that focusing on other types of progression is more essential which will be discussed in
this
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 essay. On the one hand, equality is crucial for citizens where they are able to access the development easily wherever they are.
This
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 is
due to
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 the fact that the better quality of facilities is generally located
in particular
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 areas
such
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 as a capital city or a central business district. People who reside in an area which is far away from a metropolitan area encounter some difficulties in meeting their needs.
For instance
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, employees In Eastern Indonesia gravitate towards Java Island to look for better job opportunities because of a lack of work where they come from.
On the other hand
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, economic
progress
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 may be beneficial in the short term since the
country
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shows
Verb problem
has
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 the power to increase the economy. The
country
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 might concentrate on what they are good at
such
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 as tourism or entertainment, allocating much funding to the sectors to multiply the economic growth. It,
however
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, denies other sectors that are beneficial for citizens including public health and education.
Instead
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 of running a particular sector, the government should set other fields providing for all people without exceptions.
Therefore
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, in the long term, all sectors will grow equally. In conclusion,
although
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 economic
progress
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 can create some benefits,
however
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, it would be inefficient in the long term. Considering other types of
progress
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 as a
country
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’s main goal is an effective way for both the
country
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 and the civilian.

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Task Achievement
Ensure to explore both views equally for a balanced discussion.
Task Achievement
Use specific, relevant examples to strengthen arguments. The example of employees in Eastern Indonesia is good, but more such details could enhance clarity and persuasiveness.
Coherence and Cohesion
Work on more varied linking devices and synonyms to improve coherence and avoid repetition.
Task Achievement
The essay effectively addresses both views on the importance of economic progress vs. other kinds of progress.
Coherence and Cohesion
You have a clear introduction and conclusion, which frames your essay nicely.
Task Achievement
Good use of an example to support your argument, showing depth of thought.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • standard of living
  • sustainable development
  • social equality
  • environmental degradation
  • cultural heritage
  • technological innovation
  • wealth disparity
  • human development index
  • holistic approach
  • quality of life
  • economic prosperity
  • healthcare system
  • education system
  • cultural diversity
  • policy decisions
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