IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

In many countries, young children are looked after by other people while parents go out to work. Is it a good thing or a bad thing?

#countries #children #people #parents #work
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In many places around the world,
parents
Use synonyms
 choose to continue their careers
while
Linking Words
 they find assistants from grandparents or babysitters to take care of their young
children
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 essay agrees that it is a good phenomenon because
parents
Use synonyms
 need salaries to better support their lives, and
children
Use synonyms
 can improve their social skills through communicating with different people. The main reason it is good for
parents
Use synonyms
 to work is that a consistent family income can improve life quality.
This
Linking Words
 is because when both
parents
Use synonyms
 have jobs, they have less economic pressure compared with those families with a single member going to work.
Moreover
Linking Words
, with a financial foundation, they have more choices for leisure time activities and
abilities
Fix the agreement mistake
the ability
show examples
 to purchase products they like.
For example
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, the World Health Review reported that in many countries(
For example
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, in the UK), family with both employed
parents
Use synonyms
 has a lower rate of depression and higher life satisfaction.
As a result
Linking Words
, financial stability not only helps alleviate economic pressures
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 but
also
Linking Words
 enhances family well-being, which contributes to a better life quality. Another reason is that
children
Use synonyms
 have more opportunities to interact with different adults, improving their social skills. Interacting with people with different personalities and thoughts provides chances for
children
Use synonyms
 to realize that differences between individuals
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 a norm,
thus
Linking Words
 facing various situations more actively.
For instance
Linking Words
, in India,
children
Use synonyms
with
Change preposition
of
show examples
 different ages always grow up
together with
Linking Words
 their grandparents
while
Linking Words
 their
parents
Use synonyms
out
Add a missing verb
are out
show examples
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
working, which provides them numerous opportunities to explain their way of thinking to others and understand others' opinions. Through
this
Linking Words
 process, they become open-minded, and more confident when expressing ideas than those who rise up with full-time mothers. In conclusion,
this
Linking Words
 essay believes that it is a positive case for working
parents
Use synonyms
 to seek others' help to look after their
children
Use synonyms
 because
parents
Use synonyms
 can gain consistent salaries to support
family
Correct pronoun usage
their family
show examples
 and
children
Use synonyms
's social skills are well developed during
this
Linking Words
 process.
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Examples
Try to include more varied and specific real-world examples to strengthen your arguments.
Development of Ideas
Consider elaborating further on how financial stability directly impacts the well-being of parents and children, providing a clearer linkage.
Language Use
Enhance your essay by diversifying sentence structures and vocabulary to demonstrate a wider range of language skills.
Introduction
Your introduction clearly sets up the essay's stance and outlines the main points effectively.
Structure
You have a strong structure with well-articulated paragraphs, each with a clear main idea supported by relevant examples.
Conclusion
The conclusion effectively summarizes the essay's main points and reiterates the stance in a concise manner.
Examples
Nice use of an international perspective by mentioning specific examples from the UK and India, which adds depth to your argument.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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