IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Some people say that advertising encourages us to buy things that we really do not need. Others say that advertisements tell us about new products that may improve our lives.

#people #advertisements #products #lives
It is often argued that advertisements play a significant role
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
 buyers and often provoke them to spend unnecessarily.
Conversly
Correct your spelling
Conversely
, other
segment
Change the wording
segments
show examples
 of
people
 believe that media companies educate buyers about
latest
Add an article
the latest
show examples
trend
Fix the agreement mistake
trends
show examples
,
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 could uplift our lives. My perspective inclines with the notion that media has both pros and cons
on
Change preposition
for
show examples
 customers;
however
, the benefits are more as it
instills
Change the spelling
instils
show examples
convenience and betterment in
users
Change noun form
users'
user's
show examples
 lives. To commence, one of the significant influences advertisement creates is maintaining social status.
In other words
, many rich
people
 get influenced just after noticing others buying the updated version in their social circle. They want to maintain the same dignity and power among their friends and family circle as most of the time,
society
 gives more value to those who show off their monetary power by investing in lavish
products
. One of the eminent examples is that most film stars upgrade their phones to upgraded
products
 to meet their
society
's standards.
Hence
, the marketing of new
products
 greatly forces
people
 to upgrade to the best available
services
, which demands spending more from their pockets. Contrarily, advocates of marketing
products
 on bigger screens believe that it introduces newly created reliable
services
 to the common man in our
society
. To explain, marketing of emerging
services
 like advancement in technology, development in medical
services
, better food
products
, and measures for better health these benefits are pivotal to our
society
.
For example
, new technologies in medical
services
 are proven to be best in curing harmful diseases, which have offered hope to millions of
people
.
Thus
, advertisements play a crucial in educating customers about newly available
products
.
Secondly
, advertisements
also
 motivate
people
 to have better careers. Many
people
 dream about opening their companies and ventures after seeing
products
 on bigger screens.
This
 gives hope to youngsters to start something of their own.
Submitted by kukretihimani767 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Work on varying your sentence structures to enhance readability and flow.
coherence cohesion
Consider integrating more transitional phrases to smoothly link your ideas and paragraphs.
task achievement
Be cautious with generalizations. Aim to back up your claims with specific examples or data where possible.
task achievement
Develop a clearer, more concise thesis statement to strengthen your introduction and provide a clearer roadmap for your essay.
task achievement
You've done well in presenting a balanced view, considering both sides of the argument.
task achievement
Your essay provides relevant examples that support your argument, enhancing your task response score.
coherence cohesion
Good job on organizing your essay with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
Topic Vocabulary:
  • encourage
  • persuade
  • manipulative
  • unnecessary
  • excessive
  • artificial needs
  • desires
  • consumers
  • oversaturation
  • impulse buying
  • financial problems
  • inform
  • educate
  • features
  • benefits
  • innovations
  • raise awareness
  • social issues
  • positive behavior
  • enrich
  • well-being
What to do next:
Look at other essays: