IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

Some people think that individuals today are more dependent on each other. Others believe people have more become more independent. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #individuals
In modern society, there are two respective views about how
people
 accept their connections with each other. Some
people
 think that they are more dependent because they have smaller families than in the past.
However
,
people
 think they are more solitary
due to
 advances in technology, they can do everything without others' help. Nowadays, it is common for young parents are work after giving birth. In that case, usually grandparents are taking care of their grandchild, which makes the family more dependent.
For example
, during the weekdays grandmother takes their grandson to the kindergarten and feeds them afterwards. In the weekend, parents are taking their kids to the amusement park for fun. In
this
 family, a child might think that they are more
relying
Replace the word
reliant
show examples
 on each other.
Therefore
, it is easy to think that raising a child within a family strengthens the bond among family members.
On the other hand
,
due to
 massive advances in technology, every kind of information is accessible to everybody at any time, anywhere.
For instance
, we can search
which
Change preposition
for which
show examples
 movie we will watch by using our smartphones without asking anybody.
In addition
, through a delivery
service
Add a comma
service,
show examples
 we can order pizza from home without visiting a restaurant.
This
 advanced technology and widespread internet make individuals more independent, with no need to ask for help from strangers. To live a life, it is necessary to interact with others both acquaintances and strangers.
However
, since the internet and smartphones are affecting
people
's daily lives tremendously, I think
people
 in the recent era are more independent than ever.
Submitted by JE on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay is well-organized and you have introduced your ideas clearly. However, to achieve a higher score, ensure that each paragraph introduces a single main idea and fully develops it with specific examples and elaboration.
task achievement
Your task response is good, but you could strengthen it further by providing more varied examples that support your argument. Try to deepen the analysis of both perspectives and link them to your opinion more explicitly.
introduction conclusion present
Your introduction effectively sets up the discussion by presenting both sides of the argument. This creates a clear framework for the essay.
relevant specific examples
You have used relevant real-life examples which makes your essay relatable and grounded in reality.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • interconnected
  • globalization
  • remote work
  • independence
  • dependency
  • specialization
  • professional services
  • social validation
  • individualism
  • self-reliance
  • collective action
  • sustainability
  • global community
  • navigating
  • complexity
  • environmental movement
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