IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Fewer young people play sports these days. Why is this? What can be done to encourage young people to do sports?

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In
this
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 day and age, there is a decreasing number of young individuals taking part in
sports
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activities
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.
This
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 essay will explore the reasons behind
this
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 trend and give the solutions to address
this
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 issue. There are several reasons contributing to the declining number of
people
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 playing
sports
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.
Firstly
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, technological development is one of the most significant factors which push young
people
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 not to enjoy playing
sports
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 anymore. With the advancement of technology, there have been more and more indoor means of entertainment that are convenient, easy and exciting.
Therefore
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, the younger generation tends to be more keen on these than physical
activities
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, which are more energetic and challenging.
For instance
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, young
people
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 tend to spend their
time
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 playing games or watching videos
instead
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 of working out.
Secondly
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, another reason why young
people
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 assign less
time
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 to physical
activities
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 is the increasing working hours. Nowadays, because the labour market is becoming more competitive, the younger workforce, who lack experience and seniority, must dedicate more
time
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at
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to
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 their office to keep up with their job requirements.
As a result
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, young
people
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 do not have enough
time
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 for doing
sports
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. There are several methods to deal with
this
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 trend. A possible solution is that young
people
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 should limit their extensive screen
time
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.
This
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 helps them have more
time
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 for working out and doing outdoor
activities
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 benefiting their physical and mental health.
For example
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, they can install health applications on their phones to go off after a certain
of
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apply
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time
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 so that they are reminded to step out of their door.
In addition
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, companies should organize more
sports
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activities
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 outside of work for young staff to participate in.
Hence
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, young individuals have more chances to work out and enhance their physical health, enriching their productivity in working.
Moreover
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, by joining these exercises together, they may have the chance to bond with each other, boosting their social relationships, and
thus
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, their mental conditions as well. In conclusion, technological development and the increase in working hours are some reasons contributing to why young
people
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 spend less
time
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 working out. To resolve
this
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, if youngsters try to limit their screen
time
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 and employers hold more physical
activities
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,
this
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 trend can be significantly addressed.

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coherence and cohesion
While you provided a clear introduction and conclusion, ensuring that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence can enhance coherence within your points. Try to ensure that each paragraph links back to the central argument more explicitly.
task achievement
Consider developing your examples further. While you provided relevant examples, adding more specific details could enrich your arguments and give a clearer picture of the points you're making.
coherence and cohesion
To enhance clarity, vary your sentence structures and use transition words to better connect your ideas. This will help guide readers through your arguments smoothly.
task achievement
The essay clearly addresses the task by identifying both reasons for the decline in sports participation among young people and suggesting viable solutions.
task achievement
Your use of examples, such as the impact of technology and working hours, effectively supports your arguments and demonstrates an understanding of the topic.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • sedentary
  • engagement
  • incentives
  • obesity
  • recreation
  • well-being
  • peer pressure
  • physical fitness
  • endurance
  • balance
  • teamwork
  • coordination
  • confidence
  • self-esteem
  • discipline
  • facilities
  • accessible
  • affordable
  • curriculum
  • extracurricular
  • inclusion
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