IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

some people think that the media such as newspaper should be allowed to publish information of people’s private life. Others however, think that there should be controls to stop this media frompppp this kind of information. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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In
this
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 contemporary world, the private advice of the community is mostly available from news sources. Some communities are of the opinion that private instruction can be discussed publically,
while
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 others think that it should be stopped in publishing
such
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 instruction. In
this
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 essay, I will examine both points and give my opinion regarding them. To commence
with
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apply
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, on the one hand nowadays exposing private messages has been criticized by the majority of the population. Revealing a celebrity's personal data
such
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 as their financial stability, income, address or phone number, and family relationship can have detrimental effects on their security. Sometimes it is even beneficial to the industry folk and some do it intentionally to be in the market.
However
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, a distance should be maintained.
For Instance
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, a negative side of a famous celebrity was discussed in the newspapers and publishing recently, which in turn affected the individual immensely and he committed suicide at the age of 80.
Therefore
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, all material cannot be disclosed to the media.
On the other hand
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, publishing information on achievements and incentive thoughts of people can have a positive impact on our society. News like the healthy lifestyle of celebrities, the launch of branded products and new movies, fashion statements and achievements of sportspersons and the struggles they went through can be discussed in the newspapers or magazines. In
this
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 way, the public can learn and follow better things in their life rather than discussing personal life on social media.
This
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 is prominent in our community , especially for the younger generation for gaining motivation and
such
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 control should be imposed by the government to avoid the publication of private life. In short, publishing private information to the public should be forbidden by the government and strict actions should be taken as everybody requires some space in their personal activity.

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Task Achievement
Make sure to directly address the prompt's request for your opinion more explicitly in both the introduction and conclusion to strengthen the task achievement.
Coherence & Cohesion
Consider varying your sentence structures to enhance readability and engage your readers further.
Task Achievement
While your examples are relevant, incorporating more specific and varied examples could enhance the argument's depth and impact.
Task Achievement
Your essay clearly presents both views on the issue, thus addressing the task effectively.
Coherence & Cohesion
You've managed to maintain a logical flow throughout the essay, effectively linking paragraphs and ideas.
Coherence & Cohesion
The essay ends with a well-defined conclusion that summarizes the argument clearly.
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