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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

All the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older peoples. Do the advantages of this situation outweight the disadvantages?

#time #population #countries #adults #peoples #situation #outweight
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In
this
 era, the population is increasing all over the world
which
Correct your spelling
with
show examples
 younger are higher than
elderly
Correct article usage
the elderly
show examples
. In
this
 essay,
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 will discuss about pros and cons of
this
 topic in upcoming paragraphs. On the one hand, these days young adults run the house in their family. To explain, they are more enthusiastic and energetic as compared to older
due to
 which they can work for long hours.
In addition
,
due to
 the advancement of technology, they adapt
this
 easily and help in life to make it more convenient.
In contrast
,
elders
 are resisting
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
change, still using old methods.
Therefore
, it is beneficial for society that they
have more
Verb problem
are
show examples
 younger than older.
On the other hand
, people see the
elders
 as
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 burden on society because they are dependent on food, housing and clothes.
However
, they have enough knowledge about the past which they got from their ancestors.
Moreover
, they have numerous
experience
Fix the agreement mistake
experiences
show examples
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 life,
due
Correct word choice
and due
show examples
 to
this
 fact, they can make any decision quickly and usually
correct
Change the word
correctly
show examples
 during which they can teach their children about the past history and cultural values and it helps to unite the community.
Thus
,
elders
 are the pillars of the new generation. In conclusion, young adults adapt to things if they change but
elders
 are not, but older have a lot of experience which they can apply to life and teach their children as well how to tackle problems. In my opinion, there are more disadvantages than advantages that there are fewer
elders
.
Submitted by AP on

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Task Achievement
Start your essay with a clearer introduction that directly addresses the question. Clearly state if you think the advantages outweigh the disadvantages.
Task Achievement
Provide more specific examples to strengthen your points. This makes your argument more convincing and detailed.
Coherence & Cohesion
Use a variety of linking words to better connect your ideas and paragraphs. This will enhance the coherence of your essay.
Task Achievement & Coherence & Cohesion
Make sure your conclusion summarizes your main points and clearly states your position regarding the advantages and disadvantages.
General Language Use
Pay attention to consistent and accurate verb tenses throughout your essay to maintain clarity.
Content Understanding
Effectively discussed the roles of young adults and elders in society, showing an understanding of the topic.
Logical Structure
Used a clear structure with separate paragraphs for advantages and disadvantages, making your essay easy to follow.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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