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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

The chart below shows the changes in three different areas of crime in Manchester city centre from 2003-2012.

The chart below shows the changes in three different areas of crime in Manchester city centre from 2003-2012.
#changes #three #areas #crime #manchester #city #centre
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I’ll describe
about
Remove the preposition
apply
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the line graph
shows
Wrong verb form
showing
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 the variation in
three
Use synonyms
 different types of crime in Manchester city Centre over the 9 years to 2012. With regard to trends in the illegal case, we can analyze the diagram in two ways.
First,
Linking Words
Car Theft and Robbery rose nearly
constant
Change the word
constantly
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 from around two
thousand
Use synonyms
 and
three
Use synonyms
 hundred
just
Fix the infinitive
to just
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 under
three
Use synonyms
thousand
Use synonyms
, and a small proportion above five hundred to about the same number, in order.
While
Linking Words
 the Burglary climbed from just below
three
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thousand
Use synonyms
 and five hundred slightly to nearly
three
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thousand
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 and seven hundred
then
Linking Words
fluctuates
Wrong verb form
fluctuated
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 dramatically down to just a little above a
thousand
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 after that, gradually increasing to nearly one
thousand
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 and five hundred
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
.
Second,
Linking Words
we can categorize stealing
car
Fix the agreement mistake
cars
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together with
Linking Words
 stealing from the place for both high on the chart, the start and the end more over than one
thousand
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 and left the stealing from person which the begin and finish in the lower amount. In conclusion, in 2012, a number of cars lost by theft
was
Change the verb form
were
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 a major kind of criminal
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
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. So, we need to be concerned about
this
Linking Words
 and take action against it. Thieves from
building
Fix the agreement mistake
buildings
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 were the neat problem, and purloin from people was the lowest which had no sign of going higher.
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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Contractions: Don't use contractions.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words three, thousand with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "nearly" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 3 times.
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