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Writing Samples
Band 5

Many doctors say that people in the modern world do not exercise enough. What are the courses for this? What are the solutions to this problem?

#doctors #people #world #exercise #courses
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People
Use synonyms
 in the modern world do not
exercise
Use synonyms
 enough for various social,
economical
Replace the word
economic
show examples
, and environmental factors. Various parties may need to collaborate in order to change
this
Linking Words
 harmful lifestyle. Many
people
Use synonyms
 are often
busy
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
too busy to care about their health. They may
trying
Change the verb form
try
be trying
show examples
 to keep up with
work
Use synonyms
, so they may not be exercising enough depending on their careers.
For example
Linking Words
, office workers who sit at their
desk
Fix the agreement mistake
desks
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 from 9AM to 5PM may find themselves lacking the energy to do
exercise
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 after a long day at
work
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.
However
Linking Words
, those who have more active jobs, say a construction worker, may not have
such
Linking Words
 an issue. Another reason
people
Use synonyms
 may not
exercise
Use synonyms
 enough may be
due to
Linking Words
 their social life. Depending on who they interact with, they may have neither the motivation to
work
Use synonyms
 on their physical fitness.
For instance
Linking Words
, a shy person may decide not to go for a run if they cannot find a running partner who can hold them accountable to regular jogs. A factor that can lead to
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
show examples
 of
exercise
Use synonyms
 is the environment; perhaps the neighbourhood where
people
Use synonyms
 live
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 not safe or comfortable for them to openly engage in
exercise
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. To solve
this
Linking Words
 issue, the
goverment
Correct your spelling
government
 can collaborate
local
Change preposition
with local
show examples
 community leaders to promote the benefits of healthy lifestyles and warn citizens about the harmful consequences of lack of
exercise
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. The government can
also
Linking Words
 provide incentives to make
people
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 take action, like offering cash coupons for engaging in at least 30 minutes of
exercise
Use synonyms
everyday
Replace the word
every day
show examples
 for a month. Public figures can endorse certain locations and activities for
this
Linking Words
,
such
Linking Words
 as fitness courses at their favourite gyms, to encourage others to join them. In conclusion, several factors may
attribute
Verb problem
contribute
show examples
 to a person's lack of
exercise
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. Governments, local communities, and public figures can
work
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 together to provide solutions to
this
Linking Words
 issue.
However
Linking Words
, these initiatives may not show immediate effect so the key is to keep pushing healthy lifestyles and wait patiently for results to appear.
Submitted by asllchkied on

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Accuracy
Ensure to proofread your essay to correct minor grammatical errors and typo ('busy too busy' should be 'too busy', 'goverment' should be 'government'). These minor corrections can make your essay even more polished and readable.
Detail
To enhance task achievement, aim to provide more detailed examples and data to support your arguments. While the provided examples illustrate your points, further details or statistics could strengthen your arguments and demonstrate a deeper understanding of the topic.
Language Use
Consider varying your sentence structures and using a wider range of vocabulary to enrich your text. This will not only make your essay more engaging but also showcase your language proficiency.
Structure
Your essay would benefit from a clearer distinction between causes and solutions. While you've addressed both, making a more explicit separation can help the reader follow your argument more easily and improve the overall structure of your essay.
Coherence
You've done well in introducing the essay topic and presenting a coherent argument across the essay.
Content
You've effectively conveyed a range of ideas on why people may not exercise enough and proposed several relevant solutions, demonstrating a good understanding of the essay topic.

Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

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