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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taught to cooperate rather than compete become more useful adults. Discuss both views and give your opinion

#people #sense #competition #children #adults
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It is believed that having characteristics like collaboration and
teamwork
 may lead to more success in the future rather than being competitive. In my point of view, cooperative
people
 have more achievements in their lives and live better compared to those who always seek
competition
.
People
 usually have the urge to win.
This
 is part of their nature and can not be denied whether we support it or not. Feeling of
competition
 motivates
people
 and it can
also
 be considered as one of the most important factors of achievement in different states of human life.
That is
 why they have created different kinds of matches and contests and literally, turned every single subject into a huge
competition
 and enjoy watching it.
However
, those contests where
teamwork
 is required for victory are more popular. As a matter of fact, If an example could have been provided, that would definitely be the soccer games. Humankind is a social creature. He lives in society and they need each other for survival.
On the other hand
,
Teamwork
 is considered one of the major keys to success. It has always been said that two minds work better than one, in fact, human beings always benefit from cooperation and
teamwork
.
Teamwork
 is a vital skill to be taught to young kids
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 because later in life, children will turn into adults who can help each other through challenges and difficulties
while
 dealing with thousands of limitations. It is proved that kids with a better sense of cooperation turn out to be more successful.
Consequently
, I deeply agree that cooperation stands out and it absolutely plays a more significant role in one’s achievements rather than a sense of
competition
. In summary,
while
 striving for a win and the sense of victory might be pretty rewarding, it is more valued if it is celebrated as a team where you’ve got
people
 by your side through high and low.
Submitted by TUTOO on

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task achievement
Consider incorporating more specific examples to strengthen your arguments. While you have provided a general discussion, using concrete examples could further illustrate your points and make them more compelling.
coherence cohesion
Develop your introduction and conclusion more. Introduce the topic and the key points more clearly, and summarize your main arguments more effectively in the conclusion to make your essay more impactful.
logical structure
Your essay provides a well-structured argument, presenting both views before stating your own opinion.
coherence cohesion
You effectively use paragraphs to organize your thoughts and ideas, which helps in maintaining the flow of the essay.
task achievement
You have successfully related the debate to societal values and teamwork, providing a comprehensive view on the topic.
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