IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

Many believe that modern technology has brought people together, but others say that it has driven us apart. Discuss both viewpoints and give your own opinion.

#technology #people #viewpoints
The development of
technology
 has bonded
people
,
however
, some
people
 believe that it has inverse consequences. I agree that it has alienated relationships between individuals. Communication among
people
 is becoming relatively convenient with the help of modern
technology
. The potent examples are
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
cell phones and other media that offer
people
 ways to connect with their loved ones even from long distances. Especially, for
people
 who live abroad from their families, the only method that they can get in touch with them is by the help of
technology
.
In addition
, social media platforms allow individuals to express their feelings and give their opinions through their profiles which will lead more
people
 to know about their lives and experiences, making them closer.
For example
, the
people
 who live apart from their friends and families, the most common ways for them to communicate with their close ones are through video calls or just telephoning.
Nevertheless
,
people
 are becoming too dependent on
technology
, and closure between them is getting apart.
For instance
, nowadays, most
people
 prefer watching films in their homes alone because it is convenient and cheaper,
however
 in the past, it was required for
people
 to go to the cinema to watch it. Similar to
this
 act, lots of the activities that humans used to do in the past by interacting with others have become accessible for anyone to make without any commitment and interaction with
people
, in the present. Even robots are replacing some jobs that a person could do.
As a consequence
, anti-social
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
 has become more common among individuals. In conclusion, I believe that the reliability
on
Change preposition
of
show examples
technology
 has made humans more pushed away from others.
Submitted by buyabuya201 on

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Task Achievement
In your essay, it was great to see a clear introduction and conclusion that outlined your overall viewpoint. To further enhance your task achievement, try to provide more detailed examples and evidence that clearly support your arguments. This will make your opinion even stronger and more persuasive.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your logical structure and flow of ideas were quite clear, which is excellent. To improve coherence and cohesion further, consider using a wider range of linking words and phrases to connect your ideas more smoothly. Additionally, varying sentence structures can make your writing more engaging and easier to follow.
Intro and Conclusion
You have a clear introduction and conclusion, effectively framing your argument which greatly aids in understanding your perspective.
Logical Structure
The organization of your essay is commendable. You discussed both views and your own opinion in a structured manner.
Supported Main Points
Your use of examples, though they could be more detailed, helps in supporting your main points, demonstrating your understanding of the topic.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • connectivity
  • communicate
  • social media
  • virtual meetings
  • global community
  • isolation
  • distract
  • face-to-face interaction
  • personal connections
  • dependency
  • technology addiction
  • digital divide
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