Having more money and less free time is better than earning less money and having more free time. Discuss both views and state your opinion?

In
this
materialistic world, money is considered the most important aspect of activity. Everyone is running here and there to make more and more wealth and people are busy with their ambitious growth. Today, they have fewer dates for themselves and their families as their primary inspiration is getting richer every day.
However
, in my opinion, it is necessary to have more future for yourself than to have more money. Analysing the fact that money can't buy happiness, and health and exhausting yourself in being one-making machine that can drive you away from your family will prove it. First of all, your health and happiness are the basic needs of your activity, no matter, how old you are, they remain the pillar of self-satisfaction.
For example
, we see a lot of poor people around us who seem to be happiest and a lot of very rich and powerful individuals look tired, unhappy and exhausted.
This
happiness, we see on faces is because of the strong support and relationships they have around them.
Moreover
, rich folks usually spend much of their lives staying busy with work and cannot build strong friendships to enjoy.
Secondly
, during working long hours they forget their health and fitness issues and when they get what they want, they mostly don't have enough energy to enjoy the benefits.
For instance
, one recent report in a local magazine shows that wealthy mates likely die 5 years younger than their average counterparts. Since they largely keep their lives confined to their jobs, they don't even do leisure activities like exercise to stay fit. That shows how important it is to make time for yourself In conclusion, a free and happy moment is essential for a beautiful and prosperous activity. One should be ambitious in soul yet one should not waste his or her heart in the workplace. Everyone should spend a major part in building strong relations and enjoying heart
Submitted by praveenmodi28596 on

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Coherence & Cohesion
Ensure clarity and precision in your argumentation. Some sentences could be made more impactful with concise language.
Task Achievement
Expand on your examples for a stronger argument. Specifics can greatly enhance the persuasiveness of your points.
General
Review and correct minor grammatical errors and typos to improve overall readability.
Task Achievement
Balance the discussion between both views before stating your opinion to fully meet the task requirements.
Introduction
Your introduction effectively sets the stage for the discussion.
Task Achievement
Good use of examples to support your points, though they could be developed further.
Coherence & Cohesion
Clear structure that guides the reader through your argument.
Conclusion
The conclusion successfully encapsulates your viewpoint, reinforcing the essay's message.

Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • financial security
  • facilitating
  • lifestyle
  • professional development
  • increased stress
  • work-life balance
  • hobbies
  • quality time
  • physical and mental health
  • financial constraints
  • luxury items
  • overall well-being
  • personal growth
  • middle ground
  • sacrificing
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