IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people say that parents should places restrictions on the hours their children spend watching TV and playing computer games, and encourage them to spend this time reading books instead. Do you agree or disagree?

#people #parents #places #restrictions #hours #children #tv #computer #games #time #books
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Nowadays technology takes place in our world in multiple fields,
therefore
 most
children
 become more addicted to it.
However
, some people say that parents should know how to control the hours that
children
 spend on the TV and computer games. I agree with
this
 statement and in
this
 essay, I will discuss the reasons.
Children
 have a variety of skills that they should improve rather than lose their time on something
that is
 not beneficial. To illustrate, they must spend their free time developing their knowledge, learning a new language and reading books because it will help them to develop their personalities and acquire a lot of information and experience in their lives.
for example
, a study at Sohar University shows that adults who do not waste their time on computer screens are more intelligent than others.
On the other hand
, some
children
 see that reading books is boring for them and they prefer playing and doing a number of activities
Add the comma(s)
, for example,
show examples
for example
 outdoor activities
such
 as hiking or camping rather than reading
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 because it is more interesting
also
 they need some adventure in their lives to distance themselves from the watching TV and playing computer games.
Moreover
, I think it depends on the
children
 themselves, parents can not force their
children
 to do something they do not like. In conclusion, I strongly believe that parents must do their best to protect their
children
's health and
Verb problem
,
show examples
that is
 including their eye's health because the overuse of computers will affect them and the result is they will wear glasses in future.
Submitted by t.albadaei.ta on

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Task Achievement
To enhance your essay, consider incorporating more specific examples to support your points. While the reference to a study at Sohar University is good, adding more varied examples could strengthen your argument.
Coherence & Cohesion
For higher coherence, ensure smoother transitions between ideas and paragraphs. Using linking phrases effectively can improve the flow of your essay.
General Advice
Diversify your sentence structures to add complexity and interest to your writing. This not only engages the reader more but also demonstrates your command of the language.
Coherence & Cohesion
Your introduction sets a clear stance on the topic, which is good for guiding the reader through your discussion.
Coherence & Cohesion
You succinctly provided a concluding paragraph that reinforces your viewpoint, contributing to a well-rounded argument.
Task Achievement
Addressing a potential counterargument (children finding reading boring) and suggesting alternatives is a solid strategy for a balanced discussion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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