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Band 7.5

For some people, shopping is not just about buying what is necessary, but is a form of entertainment. Do you think it is a positive or negative development?

#people #form #entertainment #development
It is thought that shopping can be interpreted as a sort of entertainment, people are not only buying necessary things for living. In the following paragraphs, both a positive and negative effect of shopping will be outlined before reaching my opinion.
To begin
 with, people buy goods for their living not for entertaining. They have a particular reason to buy necessary goods,
for instance
, mobile phones and food. In the present, communities tend to use phones to communicate and stay updated,
besides
, surfing for information and knowledge within a second.
Moreover
, They
also
 spend cash on food every day as they need to consume for their lives and recharge their strength before returning to their
work
 again.
On the other hand
, people use their money
on
Change preposition
for
show examples
 what they want or need can make them feel satisfied and relaxed. It may be considered as a reward for their hard
work
 which gives them tons of stress throughout the period.
For example
, after individuals have put a lot of effort into their
work
 and done overtime every weekday. They
finally
 get their income to buy a newly released phone which has new functions
such
 as AI systems or new features.
Additionally
, going to find a Michelin-starred restaurant which serves delicious dishes to fulfil their dreams with their families or colleagues. All in all, I believe that using money in the form of entertainment outweighs necessary. As we can spend our cash to purchase what we desire to please ourselves, meantime, it can be clarified as rewards after a long period of hard
work
.
Submitted by nnatthinee on

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coherence cohesion
To enhance your essay, consider diversifying the transitions between paragraphs for smoother flow. While your structure is clear, more varied sentence connectors could improve readability and cohesion.
task achievement
While your examples are relevant, developing them further with more detail or exploring their implications could strengthen your argument. This will also help in achieving a higher score in task achievement.
task achievement
When presenting arguments, especially in a 'discuss both views' essay, ensure that your opinion is clearly stated and distinct. This involves not just stating your view in the conclusion but also integrating it effectively throughout the essay.
coherence cohesion
You have provided a clear structure, with a recognizable introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion, which helps in understanding your arguments well.
task achievement
Your essay presents a balanced view on the topic, discussing both the positive and negative aspects of shopping as entertainment, before providing a clear opinion. This comprehensive approach is commendable.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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