IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

It is often argued that increasing costs of sugary
products
Use synonyms
 has a significant role in society.
However
Linking Words
, other individuals claim that
foods
Use synonyms
 with high
sugar
Use synonyms
 have a high risk of health problems.
Hence
Linking Words
, it is essential to limit the consumption of
foods
Use synonyms
 by increasing the costs,
while
Linking Words
 other
people
Use synonyms
 think it is not. I am of the opinion that it is not relevant to the
price
Use synonyms
 of
products
Use synonyms
 with the consumption of fatty
products
Use synonyms
. There are a number of reasons why other
people
Use synonyms
 side with the opinion that the rising
price
Use synonyms
 of sugary
foods
Use synonyms
 will lead to lower purchasing of sweet
foods
Use synonyms
. An appropriate example of
this
Linking Words
 is that the highest priority when purchasing food is
price
Use synonyms
. The majority of
people
Use synonyms
 buy sugary
foods
Use synonyms
,
for example
Linking Words
, chocolates and sweet bread because these
foods
Use synonyms
 are cheap.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, not only are these
products
Use synonyms
 low
price
Use synonyms
 but
also
Linking Words
 it is easy to purchase because there are various stores that sell these
foods
Use synonyms
.
Therefore
Linking Words
, if government or companies increase the
price
Use synonyms
, it can lead
people
Use synonyms
 to buy less sweet
foods
Use synonyms
. Despite the aforementioned arguments, I stand by the fact that there are more crucial approaches that could lead communities to lower
sugar
Use synonyms
 consumption. Primarily, schools should educate students that too much
sugar
Use synonyms
 can cause numerous negative effects on their health,
for instance
Linking Words
, obesity, diabetes and high blood pressure.
This
Linking Words
 is the most beneficial way make communities to consume less
sugar
Use synonyms
 rather than making sugary
foods
Use synonyms
 expensive.
This
Linking Words
 is especially true among younger generations who eat most of their diet with
sugar
Use synonyms
.
Consequently
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 results in positive effects for younger generations who do not eat
sugar
Use synonyms
 as much as they used to eat. In conclusion, though it might seem that the rising cost of sugary
foods
Use synonyms
 makes
people
Use synonyms
 buy less, I would strongly assert that there are more effective ways to lead the public to consume less
sugar
Use synonyms
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Make sure your introduction clearly states your opinion. Instead of saying 'it is not relevant to the price...', say that you disagree with the idea of making sugary products more expensive.
coherence and cohesion
Try to connect your ideas more clearly. Use phrases like 'firstly', 'secondly', and 'finally' to guide the reader through your argument.
task achievement
Include more specific examples in the body of your essay to support your points, such as statistics or studies related to sugar consumption and price.
coherence and cohesion
Your conclusion successfully summarizes your opinion, which is important for closing the essay.
task achievement
You provided some valid reasons regarding health education, showing thoughtful consideration of the topic.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • health problems
  • manufactured food and drink products
  • sugary products
  • excessive sugar consumption
  • discourage
  • promote
  • healthier choices
  • reduce
  • increased taxes
  • fund
  • health education
  • prevention programs
What to do next:
Look at other essays: