IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some people say that young people learn useful skills by playing electronic and computer games. Others say that young people who play electronic and computer games waste their time. What are the advantages and disadvantages of computer games? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

#people #skills #computer #games #waste #time
People have different views about whether playing digital
games
 helps
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
children
 to enhance useful
skills
 or it is just a
time
 waste. I shall analyse both
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
views
while
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 prefer the former. Those who think that playing
games
 on
computer
Add an article
the computer
a computer
show examples
 can be a
time
 waste have their own reasons.
Firstly
,their interest in these activities increases which
put
Verb problem
has
show examples
 a great impact on their academics. They could not study well and
hence
 get bad grades.
Children
 spend most of their
time
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
playing .
Moreover
, playing too
much
Correct quantifier usage
many
show examples
 video
games
 leads to reading less,
poor
Correct word choice
and poor
show examples
 interaction with their family and friends .
Secondly
, these activities
also
effect
Replace the word
affect
show examples
 the mental and physical health of the
childrens
Correct your spelling
children
show examples
. Spending too much
time
 before a screen intensely
effect
Verb problem
affects
show examples
 their eyesight and
make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
show examples
 them lethargic. They do not perform any physical activities like playing outdoor
games
 .
Due to
which
Correct pronoun usage
this
show examples
,
children
 are more likely to be overweight. They have ,
therefore
, poor social
skills
 and are more prone to aggressive thoughts and behaviour.
However
 , despite the aforementioned reasons, playing electronic or
computer
games
 benefits
children
 in numerous ways . First and
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
foremost can be that it improves mental
skills
 .
For instance
,
problem solving
Add a hyphen
problem-solving
show examples
skills
 , eye-hand coordination and
logics
Fix the agreement mistake
logic
show examples
. It fosters the
decision making
Add a hyphen
decision-making
show examples
skills
 of the
children
 .
Therefore
,
children
 can easily
take
Correct your spelling
make
show examples
 quick and accurate decisions
on
Change preposition
at
show examples
 the right
time
. It increases the
mutli
Correct your spelling
multi
 tasking ability of the youth . Another equally
considerble
Correct your spelling
considerable
 fact can be the intense knowledge about the technology. In the future ,
every thing
Correct your spelling
everything
show examples
 will be based on the technology . Playing
computer
games
help
Correct subject-verb agreement
helps
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
childrens
Correct your spelling
children
show examples
to
Verb problem
apply
show examples
enhance their
computer
skills
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 benefits them in the future. They will have vast ideas about the technology and could adapt
with
Change preposition
to
show examples
 it.
Hence
,
this
 will help them to work in
a
Change the article
an
show examples
 effective and efficient manner.
For example
, there are many companies
who
Correct pronoun usage
that
show examples
 demand
the
Correct your spelling
that
show examples
 employees
having
Wrong verb form
have
show examples
in depth
Add a hyphen
in-depth
show examples
 knowledge related to computers .
Hence
 these
children
 can get
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
great job opportunities. To
conlude
Correct your spelling
conclude
, despite the negative impacts of playing electronic and
computer
games
 ,
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 restate that it has far more strong benefits .
Submitted by vcmshs on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

structure
Ensure that all paragraphs are well-structured, with a clear main idea followed by supporting details. Some paragraphs could be developed further to enhance clarity.
accuracy
Be cautious of spelling and grammar errors, as these can occasionally distract from your argument. Regular practice and proofreading can mitigate this issue.
variety
Try to incorporate more varied sentence structures to make your essay more engaging for the reader. This will also demonstrate a higher level of English proficiency.
balance
In discussing the advantages and disadvantages, make sure to equally balance both sides to fully address the essay question.
examples
Use relevant examples to strengthen your arguments, ensuring they are specific and clearly linked to your main points.
balance
You have presented a balanced view on the impact of playing computer games, acknowledging both the negative and positive aspects effectively.
structure
Your introduction and conclusion are clearly structured, effectively framing your argument.
vocabulary
You have demonstrated a good range of vocabulary related to the topic, which enriches your essay.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays: