IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people say that young people learn useful skills by playing electronic and computer games. Others say that young people who play electronic and computer games waste their time. What are the advantages and disadvantages of computer games? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

#people #skills #computer #games #waste #time
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People have different views about whether playing digital
games
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 helps
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
children
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 to enhance useful
skills
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 or it is just a
time
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 waste. I shall analyse both
the
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apply
show examples
views
while
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i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 prefer the former. Those who think that playing
games
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 on
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computer
Add an article
the computer
a computer
show examples
 can be a
time
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 waste have their own reasons.
Firstly
Linking Words
,their interest in these activities increases which
put
Verb problem
has
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 a great impact on their academics. They could not study well and
hence
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 get bad grades.
Children
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 spend most of their
time
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on
Change preposition
apply
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playing .
Moreover
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, playing too
much
Correct quantifier usage
many
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 video
games
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 leads to reading less,
poor
Correct word choice
and poor
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 interaction with their family and friends .
Secondly
Linking Words
, these activities
also
Linking Words
effect
Replace the word
affect
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 the mental and physical health of the
childrens
Correct your spelling
children
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. Spending too much
time
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 before a screen intensely
effect
Verb problem
affects
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 their eyesight and
make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
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 them lethargic. They do not perform any physical activities like playing outdoor
games
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 .
Due to
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which
Correct pronoun usage
this
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,
children
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 are more likely to be overweight. They have ,
therefore
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, poor social
skills
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 and are more prone to aggressive thoughts and behaviour.
However
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 , despite the aforementioned reasons, playing electronic or
computer
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games
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 benefits
children
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 in numerous ways . First and
the
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apply
show examples
foremost can be that it improves mental
skills
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 .
For instance
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,
problem solving
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problem-solving
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skills
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 , eye-hand coordination and
logics
Fix the agreement mistake
logic
show examples
. It fosters the
decision making
Add a hyphen
decision-making
show examples
skills
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 of the
children
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 .
Therefore
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,
children
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 can easily
take
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make
show examples
 quick and accurate decisions
on
Change preposition
at
show examples
 the right
time
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. It increases the
mutli
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multi
 tasking ability of the youth . Another equally
considerble
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considerable
 fact can be the intense knowledge about the technology. In the future ,
every thing
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everything
show examples
 will be based on the technology . Playing
computer
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games
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help
Correct subject-verb agreement
helps
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
childrens
Correct your spelling
children
show examples
to
Verb problem
apply
show examples
enhance their
computer
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skills
Use synonyms
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
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 benefits them in the future. They will have vast ideas about the technology and could adapt
with
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to
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 it.
Hence
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,
this
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 will help them to work in
a
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an
show examples
 effective and efficient manner.
For example
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, there are many companies
who
Correct pronoun usage
that
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 demand
the
Correct your spelling
that
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 employees
having
Wrong verb form
have
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in depth
Add a hyphen
in-depth
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 knowledge related to computers .
Hence
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 these
children
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 can get
the
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apply
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great job opportunities. To
conlude
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conclude
, despite the negative impacts of playing electronic and
computer
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games
Use synonyms
 ,
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 restate that it has far more strong benefits .
Submitted by vcmshs on

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structure
Ensure that all paragraphs are well-structured, with a clear main idea followed by supporting details. Some paragraphs could be developed further to enhance clarity.
accuracy
Be cautious of spelling and grammar errors, as these can occasionally distract from your argument. Regular practice and proofreading can mitigate this issue.
variety
Try to incorporate more varied sentence structures to make your essay more engaging for the reader. This will also demonstrate a higher level of English proficiency.
balance
In discussing the advantages and disadvantages, make sure to equally balance both sides to fully address the essay question.
examples
Use relevant examples to strengthen your arguments, ensuring they are specific and clearly linked to your main points.
balance
You have presented a balanced view on the impact of playing computer games, acknowledging both the negative and positive aspects effectively.
structure
Your introduction and conclusion are clearly structured, effectively framing your argument.
vocabulary
You have demonstrated a good range of vocabulary related to the topic, which enriches your essay.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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