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Band 7

Since most information about culture and history can be found online, museums and art galleries are no longer needed. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#information #culture #history #museums #art #galleries
Nowadays, with the advent of the Internet and the increasing tendency towards obtaining information from online sources, some argue that
museums
 and
art
 galleries are not needed any more. In
this
 essay, I will examine both perspectives on
this
 phenomenon and give my opinion.
To begin
 with, It is an undeniable fact that obtaining information from the Internet is an easy and convenient method. The interactive nature of
this
 global network has made users able to produce content for others, an interesting feature that did not exist before.
Furthermore
, the invention of numerous virtual reality devices, a game-changing technology in
this
 domain, like 3D glasses contributes to a more realistic feeling when
people
 are using it.
For example
,
people
 can
visit
 some
museums
 via
this
 technology and their experience is considerably close to reality.
On the other hand
, visiting
museums
 and
art
 galleries
gives
Change the verb form
give
show examples
 individuals
this
 opportunity to scrutinize the items, enjoy the ambience, socialize with other
people
 and
art
 fans and attend social activities. All aforementioned benefits seem to be crucial for human beings.
For instance
, when you
visit
 an
art
 gallery, the exposure to the atmosphere of that place could be inspiring for you in many ways. To investigate
this
 subject from another view,
people
visit
 these sorts of
places
 for different reasons. Not everybody is looking to obtain information. Some visitors just want to walk by and have a new experience or only change their mood by exposing themselves to
art
.
For example
, many
people
 may
visit
 these
places
 just to evade the sense of loneliness.
To sum up
 the discussions, despite the fact that exploring
museums
 and
art
 galleries online is easy, convenient and frugal in some ways, I believe that going and visiting these
places
 is an irreplaceable experience.
Therefore
, we still need these
places
 to
visit
 and enjoy.
Submitted by TUTOO on

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Coherence & Cohesion
To further improve, consider diversifying your sentence structures and utilizing a wider range of linking words to enhance the flow of your essay.
Task Achievement
While your examples are relevant, incorporating a wider variety of specific instances and data could strengthen your argument and provide a more persuasive analysis.
Task Response
Your essay provides a balanced view of the issue, considering both sides of the argument before stating your own opinion, which is excellent for the task.
Coherence & Cohesion
The logical organization of your essay and the clarity of your introduction and conclusion contribute significantly to its overall effectiveness.
Task Achievement
You've effectively used examples to support your points, adding both relevance and depth to your arguments.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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