IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some people believe that it is important to spend a lot of money on family celebrations. While others think it is a waste of money. Discuss both views. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. You should write at least 254 words.

#people #money #celebrations #waste
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In today's societ, there is an ongoing debate regarding celebration of events.
While
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 some opine spending heaps on their important days
such
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 as birthdays and anniversaries are crucial. Other contend it as an utter wastage of resources and liquidity.
This
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 essay will explore the contrasing prespective of both the
parties
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 in subsequent paragraphs. There is an old saying in Indian culture, "happiness enhances when shared with other". some
people
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 feel utmost happiness and pleasure when they invite and spend huge amount of
money
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 on their family celebrations.
This
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 could be the reason for
people
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 throwing lavish
parties
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 and inviting so many
people
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 to it.
In addition
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 to that, status symbol could be another reason, some
people
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 throw big
parties
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 to maintain their status in the society, they throw big
parties
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 and spend so much to make it succesfull. To exemply: recently richest man of India, Mukesk Ambani threw a pre- wedding party for his son by spending $5 Million dollars on it, being the richest man he has to maintain his dignity. On other hand, the believer of latter statement contends, its wasteful to spend so much on
such
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 celebrations rather,
people
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 should put that
money
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 in a noble cause or help society. It is often seen how many resources
such
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 as food, elelctricty and water go to waste because of these events.
For example
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: an australian startup is spreading awareness worldwide, to come forward and put some portion of their marraige or other big celebration budget in their donation box, which will
further
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 be donated to help
people
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 fighting with cancer. In conclusion, every human have their own decisions to make, putting
money
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 in a good cause is essential for some.
While
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, for some spending large sums of
money
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 to mantain their social status is more important.
Submitted by vasudha.gupta0818 on

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Structure
Your essay provides a balanced view on the topic with examples. However, it could be improved by more carefully structuring your paragraphs and ideas to enhance clarity. Consider introducing each view distinctly and developing each argument with clear, separate paragraphs.
Accuracy
Work on spelling and typing errors ('societ', 'opine', 'contrasing', 'prespective', 'exemply', 'elelctricty'), as these can distract from your message. Although these don't severely impact your score, cleaner writing can make your argument stronger.
Variety
Including a broader range of sentence structures can make your essay more engaging and demonstrate a higher level of English proficiency. Try to vary your sentence beginnings and use both complex and simple sentences.
Linking
To enhance coherence, link your ideas more clearly. Using phrases such as 'Furthermore', 'On the contrary', and 'For instance' before examples can make your argument more persuasive and easier to follow.
Support
Good use of examples to support your points, enhancing the persuasive element of your essay.
Task Response
You effectively covered both views on the topic, which meets the essay prompt requirements.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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