IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

Do you agree or disagree? people spent too much time on personal enjoyment doing things they like to do rather than doing things they should do.

#people #time #enjoyment
Nowadays, the community have a tendency to spend too many hours on personal enjoyment activities as well known as a sedentary lifestyle. they avoid doing something
that is
 relevant or important for their exercise in the future
such
 as learning a new skill. I completely agree with that statement and
this
 essay will elaborate on that issue. first of all, the reason that the public spends their time doing something
that is
 unimportant for their growth is because they enjoy it and do not need to spend their energy on something that they do not enjoy when they do it.
for example
, learning a new skill absolutely takes a lot of energy and time.
Moreover
, when they do it they will face a problem and must try to solve it.
this
 is the main reason why a lot of families just stay and savour on sedentary lifestyle because it is easy and fun.
secondly
, another reason why nations spend too much time on
this
 habit is because when they do that life they forget about everything in real movement.
for example
, when they like to scroll through Instagram, they will forget how many hours they use their phone to scroll and browse on that social media.
for instance
, they forget to do something
that is
 important in their action.
Furthermore
, technology plays a part in the process of changing the lifestyle of
this
 day. In conclusion, I completely believe that in the modern era, a lot of society spends too much attention on their personal enjoyment things
such
 as scrolling social media or watching YouTube
Submitted by rifkiw1205 on

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Task Achievement
Your essay presents a clear argument with examples, but could benefit from more detailed and varied examples to strengthen your points.
Coherence and Cohesion
Work on developing a more structured approach to paragraphs, including clearer topic sentences and more cohesive transitions between ideas.
Introduction/Conclusion
Consider revising the introduction and conclusion to be more impactful. A stronger thesis statement and a clearer summary of your main points would enhance your essay.
Task Achievement
You effectively maintained a clear position throughout the essay.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your examples were relevant and supported your arguments.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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