Do you agree or disagree? people spent too much time on personal enjoyment doing things they like to do rather than doing things they should do.

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Nowadays, the community have a tendency to spend too many hours on personal enjoyment activities as well known as a sedentary lifestyle. they avoid doing something

that is

relevant or important for their exercise in the future

such

as learning a new skill. I completely agree with that statement and

this

essay will elaborate on that issue. first of all, the reason that the public spends their time doing something

that is

unimportant for their growth is because they enjoy it and do not need to spend their energy on something that they do not enjoy when they do it.

for example

, learning a new skill absolutely takes a lot of energy and time.

Moreover

, when they do it they will face a problem and must try to solve it.

this

is the main reason why a lot of families just stay and savour on sedentary lifestyle because it is easy and fun.

secondly

, another reason why nations spend too much time on

this

habit is because when they do that life they forget about everything in real movement.

for example

, when they like to scroll through Instagram, they will forget how many hours they use their phone to scroll and browse on that social media.

for instance

, they forget to do something

that is

important in their action.

Furthermore

, technology plays a part in the process of changing the lifestyle of

this

day. In conclusion, I completely believe that in the modern era, a lot of society spends too much attention on their personal enjoyment things

such

as scrolling social media or watching YouTube

Submitted by rifkiw1205 on Sat May 04 2024

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Task Achievement

Your essay presents a clear argument with examples, but could benefit from more detailed and varied examples to strengthen your points.

Coherence and Cohesion

Work on developing a more structured approach to paragraphs, including clearer topic sentences and more cohesive transitions between ideas.

Introduction/Conclusion

Consider revising the introduction and conclusion to be more impactful. A stronger thesis statement and a clearer summary of your main points would enhance your essay.

Task Achievement

You effectively maintained a clear position throughout the essay.

Coherence and Cohesion

Your examples were relevant and supported your arguments.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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8
Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
0
Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
0
Grammar mistakes
detected issues

0123456789.0505

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 9.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 6.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 6.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

4 paragraphs

265 words

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Do you agree or disagree? people spent too much time on personal enjoyment doing things they like to do rather than doing things they should do.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

Some people believe that it is best to accept a bad situation, such as an unsatisfactory job or shortage of money. Others argue that it is better to try and improve such situation. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Some people want the government to spend more money for looking life on other planets; however, others think that it is a waste of public money when there are so many problems on earth that the government should be solving. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

some people say free time activities for children should be organized by parents. others say that children should be free to choose what they do in free time. Dicuss both views and give your opinion.