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Band 6

The top prority of business is making money, and they do not need to have social responsibilities. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#prority #business #money #responsibilities
Many companies produce a huge amount of money, but they do not have any community responsibility;
however
, some
people
 do not agree with that. In
this
 report, I will go through both sides of
this
 conflict, and
then
 allow me to share my point of view. Taking care of the community is money-consuming, difficult, and useless.
That is
 because the government is responsible for helping the population.
For example
, encouraging residents to donate, volunteer, and rent them loans. To explain that, many reports
illustrated
Wrong verb form
illustrate
show examples
 that taking care of the population is the main responsibility of the government.
Besides
 that, donating and helping the citizens is money-consuming.
For example
, a study captured that the company's amount of money
droped
Correct your spelling
dropped
 when they decided to donate
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 the poor
people
.
Although
 the points mentioned above are strong, there are adverse points that hold equal strength because having social responsibilities is profitable, strategic, and necessary.
Firstly
, the cooperating works are advertisements for the companies. For
further
 explanation, many
people
 acknowledged that they excel
dealing
Change preposition
in dealing
show examples
 with cooperator companies because they feel these facilities are close to their heart and they try to support them.
Secondly
, businessmen are part of the community, so they should support it. A report presented that the rich
people
 are responsible for supporting the poor residents so that the city
be
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 in a balanced status. In conclusion, even though being in charge of helping the whole population is not the top priority of business spots, doing that will increase their popularity, profits, and their fans.
As a result
, I believe that the top priority of business should
have
Verb problem
be
show examples
 social responsibilities.
Submitted by haneenalnetaif on

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Structure & Clarity
Focus on developing your arguments in a more structured and clear manner. Introduce your main points more succinctly and link them closely to the question prompt.
Cohesion
Incorporate a wider range of cohesive devices (linking words) to enhance the flow between sentences and paragraphs.
Vocabulary
Expand your range of vocabulary to include more precise and varied language. This will help convey your points more effectively and engagingly.
Balanced Argument
You presented a balanced view by examining both sides of the argument, which demonstrates an understanding of the topic.
Effective Conclusion
The conclusion effectively summarizes your perspective, providing a clear stance on the issue.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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