Many people believe money is a very important factor for achieving hapiness.Others, however believe that money has nothing to do with hapiness.Discuss both views.

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Individuals have different views about whether

money

Use synonyms

is a major determinant of being happy or whether

money

Use synonyms

and happiness are not related to each other. In

this

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essay, I am going to explain both groups' ideas. On the one hand, it is generally acknowledged that people have a sense of comfort when they are wealthy enough to provide whatever they need.

Thus

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, they do not need to be worried about the cost of their needs.

Additionally

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, a very significant impact of

money

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is the affordability of travel to desirable destinations which is everyone's dream.

This

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adds diversity to the states' lives and prevents depression which is completely

in contrast

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with happiness. A case in point is Ali Daei's family who are one of the most well-off families in our country and they can easily achieve their wishes

as a result

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of being rich.

On the other hand

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, there is ample evidence that having a considerable amount of

money

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without health will not prepare a happy life. Those who are suffering from chronic diseases can not enjoy their

money

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unless they improve.

Furthermore

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, human beings need each other to feel happy; meaning a beloved family and some close friends who spend their spare time together. Without these relations, individuals no longer will live happily, even though they

were

Wrong verb form

are

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extremely wealthy.

For instance

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, some movies have shown these kinds of people who have annoying lives, despite being well-off.

To conclude

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although

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some consider that being rich plays a striking role in bringing happiness to people's lives, it is self-evident that to feel happy

money

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is necessary but not enough.

keyhan454Sat May 04 2024

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What works well

Coherence and Cohesion

You've managed to present a clear introduction and conclusion that effectively frames your essay.

Task Achievement

Your essay shows a good understanding of the topic, providing a balanced discussion of both views on money and happiness.

Improvement Suggestions

Task Achievement

To enhance your score further, try to integrate more specific examples that are universally recognizable, rather than relying on examples that may not be familiar to all readers.

Task Achievement

Remember to develop your main points more fully. Elaborate on your ideas with more detailed explanations or additional examples to strengthen your argument.

Coherence and Cohesion

Consider using a wider range of cohesive devices and paragraphing techniques to enhance the logical flow of your essay, which will improve the reader's ability to follow your argument.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

for example
for instance
to illustrate this
to give a clear example
such as
namely
to illustrate
take, for example

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10
Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
1
Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1
Grammar mistakes
detected issues

0123456789.0505

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 7.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 8.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 6.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

4 paragraphs

267 words

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Topic Vocabulary:

financial security
basic needs
diminishing returns
materialism
personal growth
mindset
self-worth
social status
philanthropy
well-being
experiences
generosity
fulfilling
reduces stress
escalate
acquiring wealth
sense of security
comparative wealth
excessive focus
leisure activities

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Many people believe money is a very important factor for achieving hapiness.Others, however believe that money has nothing to do with hapiness.Discuss both views.

What works well

Improvement Suggestions

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

In a number of countries, some people think it is necessary to spend large sums of money on constructing new railway lines for very fast trains between cities. Others believe the monet should be spend on improving existing public transport.

People believe that they should be able to keep all the money they earn and should not pay tax to the state. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

Some people believe that it is good for a country's culture to import foreign movies and TV programmes. Other think that it is better to produce these locally. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Nowadays, distance-learning programs are such common thing for us (the study material by post, by internet) but some people argue that courses can never be taken as good as those by attending in a college or university in person. To what extent do you agree or disagree?