IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

Some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities. Others, however, say that this would have little effect on public health and that other measures are required. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

#people #health #sports #facilities #effect #measures
Some
people
 think that the general well-being of the population will improve if we have more
facilities
 for
people
 to do sports.
However
, others believe that
this
 will have little impact on public health, and another
approach
 should be recommended. In my opinion,
although
 the community can have easier access if more gymnasiums are built, an aggressive
approach
such
 as taxation on
sugar
 prices is a better option.
People
 can have more options and better access if more gym
facilities
 are built. Men and women are more comfortable to exercise if they can exercise in more comfortable places, not crowded, and
facilities
 that meet their specific needs.
For example
,
while
 some athletes prefer
facilities
 with more treadmills, others prefer places that offer dance classes
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 or provide a more secluded area for women.
However
, I think,
this
 option requires high budgets and some
people
 are not consistent when it comes to exercising. Imposing a tax on sugary drinks and food products is a more aggressive
approach
. A law to increase the price of
sugar
 will force
overall
 production to reduce the amount of
sugar
 used in foods and beverages, as one way to cut the cost and avoid loss in their business. As a
results
Correct the article-noun agreement
result
show examples
, the end products will contain less
sugar
, which is healthier for consumers.
For instance
,
United
Correct article usage
the United
show examples
 Kingdom
had
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
imposed a
sugar
 tax in 2018 to reduce excess
sugar
 consumption and combat childhood obesity. I think
this
 is a better
approach
, and the tax money
gain
Wrong verb form
gained
show examples
 from
this
 can be used for healthcare sectors. In conclusion,
while
 some
people
 think it is beneficial to encourage
people
 to do sports by increasing
number
Correct article usage
the number
show examples
 of sports
facilities
, I believe that it is a much better measure to regulate
sugar
price
Fix the agreement mistake
prices
show examples
.
Submitted by shaz.777 on

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Language Variety
To improve your essay further, consider diversifying your sentence structure and vocabulary more significantly to enhance readability and demonstrate a wider range of language skills.
Developing Arguments
For an even stronger response, ensure every paragraph fully develops a single main idea with detailed examples and reasons. Expand on your arguments more thoroughly to enhance clarity.
Introduction & Conclusion
While your introduction and conclusion are clear, consider strengthening your conclusion by succinctly summarizing the main arguments of both viewpoints, in addition to stating your opinion, to emphasize a balanced consideration of the topic.
Task Achievement
You have effectively discussed both viewpoints and provided a clear personal stance, which is excellent for task achievement.
Coherence & Cohesion
The logical structure of your essay and the presence of an introduction and conclusion help in achieving coherence and cohesion.
Relevant Examples
You've included relevant examples and reasons to support your arguments, contributing positively to task response.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • public health
  • sports facilities
  • physical activity
  • exercise
  • chronic diseases
  • heart disease
  • obesity
  • inclusivity
  • participation
  • safe environment
  • social interaction
  • community engagement
  • comprehensive approach
  • health education programs
  • environmental factors
  • healthcare infrastructure
  • quality healthcare services
  • public health initiatives
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